


You'll Be Seeing Me In Your Dreams

by Jamie_Angel



Series: Domestic, highschool Jurdan AU [1]
Category: The Folk of the Air - Holly Black
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angry Jude Duarte, CARDAN STILL LIVES WITH AND GETS BEATEN BY BALEKIN, Caring! Cardan, Carnival, Domestic Fluff, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Smut, F/M, I AM IN LOVE WITH SOULMATE AUS, Illnesses, LIVING WITH AN ABUSER, Marriage Proposal, Mention of Child Abuse, Mentions of Blood, Moving In Together, No Smut, POV Cardan Greenbriar, POV Jude Duarte, Past Child Abuse, Red String of Fate, STRAIGHT UP CHILD ABUSE, Scars, Senior year, Soulmates, Swearing, asshole x asshole ship, being a teenager will do that to you, brief mention of Eva Duarte, but maybe later, cardan is slightly less of a dick, caring for the other while sick trope, carnival date, dain is vice principal, eldred is principal, elowyn is a music teacher on a free lance basis, good twin bond, hopefully i've captured the family dynamic, if I'm up to it, jurdan - Freeform, locke is a theatre kid, madoc is a fencing instructor/ gym coach, no one dates locke, oriana is a stay at a home mom, tbh she's constantly angry, the court of shadows go by their real names, the court of shadows? more like best friend squad, they swear because theyre teenagers, theyre assholes your honour, trigger warning for child abuse, trigger warning for non-graphic descriptions of child abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:42:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 30,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26614654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jamie_Angel/pseuds/Jamie_Angel
Summary: For someone who lives in a world where an invisible string links you to your soulmate, Jude Duarte repeatedly tells herself she doesn't believe in love.That is, until she gets into a car crash and finds herself with a red string tied to a boy in her class.She'd heard of injuries sometimes revealing the string, but that doesn't change the fact that her soulmate is Cardan Greenbriar, obnoxious dickbag of the school
Relationships: Jude Duarte/Cardan Greenbriar, Madoc/Oriana, Taryn Duarte/The Ghost, The Bomb/The Roach (The Folk of the Air), Vivienne Duarte/Heather
Series: Domestic, highschool Jurdan AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1985569
Comments: 76
Kudos: 232





	1. Jude

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Siren by Kailee Morgue  
> ~  
> I've never written a FOTA fanfic but it's like one of my favourite series ever so like ????????? same deal with CO/WS maybe I should write something for that as well  
> ~  
> also also also i'm trying my hand at soulmate aus because I melt when I read them but I've never written one myself so HERE WE ARE

I’ve never believed in the love that ties people together. I never have and I never will, because surely someone with such bad luck as mine would’ve found her soul mate by now, to balance things out.

“Jude?” Taryn asks from where she sits on my bed. I’m sprawled on the ground with my head in my hands and my history textbook in my lap. I didn’t hear her come in.

When I talk, I don’t raise my head, so my voice is muffled “What is it?”

Lifting my head and shaking my hair out of my eyes I asses her. Her hairs down like it was this morning, but she’s changed out of her pretty school clothes and into her pyjamas. Her eyeliner in smudged under her eye, but not like she’s been crying.

She draws her knees up to her chest and sits her head on top of them “Why does there have to be something? Why can’t I visit my sister?”

I copy her pose, my bony knees digging into my chin.

“Because there always is something. What is it this time?”

She looks affronted “There is not always something.”

“You’re avoiding the question.” I say, scratching the old wound on my hand.

She sees what I’m doing and throws me a disapproving look but speaks anyway “Its Vivi”

“Not this again!” I say, changing so I’m sat in a more comfortable position. 

“She hasn’t been home in days Jude!” 

“We know where she is! We know she’s safe.”

Taryn just sighs lengthily.

“Have you studied for that physics test tomorrow?” she asks. She’s changing the subject, but I let her. I don’t want to fight with her about Vivi again. I don’t know why she keeps bringing it up. Maybe she hopes I’ll change my mind and say we should tell dad. 

I gesture vaguely to my still-open physics textbook and the surrounding revision cards.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to pass,” She tells me, frowning “I don’t think Mr Baphen likes me very much.”

I snort “Mr Baphen doesn’t like anyone, least of all people who actually pass his astrology course.”

“I suppose.”

She sits there while I study, sometimes calling out answers helpfully, but mostly staying silent. She doesn’t leave until Oriana tells us to go to bed, and even then she leaves unwillingly.

When I sleep I dream. I dream that I’m covered in red string, tangled and everywhere. There’s no end to it and no beginning. Unending, unstarting and merciless.

___

“Jude.” Tatterfell says roughly shaking me awake “Jude!”

“I’m up.” I tell her groggily, pulling at my bed covers like they’re made of string. 

Tatterfell harrumphs. She’s our maid, but she berates more than she cleans. I’m not sure why Madoc continues to keep her on, but I’m glad he does. She’s a familiar presence. 

She waits until I am suitably upright then leaves to wake Taryn. I check my phone. Texts from the groupchat and Liliver.

Liliver: guys whens that physics test

Garrett: Tomorrow

Van: you should be more prepared, Lily

Liliver: shut up.

The separate text from Liliver reads:

Be outside at half eight, loser. Garrett’s ill so he’s not walking today.

I type her a quick “okay” and glance at the time. I still have 45 minutes, so I can be leisurely about it. I dress quickly in a simple black dress and combat boots, then run a brush through my hair which is still knotted from sleep. After tying it up into twin buns, I put my usual make up on and head downstairs, nearly falling over a sleepy Oak.

I don’t stay in the kitchen to eat because Oriana is there and she would just love to lecture me about how the straps of my dress break the dress code. Grabbing a cereal bar after downing orange juice from the carton, I head into the living room.

Madoc is typing furiously on his computer, looking incredibly tired. I sit across from him on the opposite oxblood colored couch. He doesn’t glance up.

“When are your friends getting here?” he asks.

“Uhh,” I check my watch “In 10 minutes or so. What’re you doing?”

“Grading.” He says with a grimace.

I laugh and run upstairs to get my bag. Tatterfell seems to have propped it helpfully outside my door. Quickly, I check it has everything I need, including my physics notes and then hurtle back downstairs. 

Taryn is waiting at the front door, wearing a sunshine yellow maxi dress with a long sleeve, off-white turtleneck underneath. She has her schoolbag slung in the crook of her elbow.

“Jude!” Oriana calls from the kitchen “Put a jacket on, you’ll get dresscoded!”

I roll my eyes as Taryn hands me my leather jacket. I shrug it on as we leave the house. Taryn walks with me to school but we parts ways as we reach the school gate because of our difference in friends. I don’t know any of hers, and I doubt she’d be able to name any of mine if we didn’t walk to and from school with them everyday

We walk until we see Liliver and Van, leaning against a streetlight. They are easier to spot, with her dyed white hair and his neon green t-shirt. 

“Hey guys.” I say as we approach “Whats wrong with Gar?”

“Ill.” Van tells me and I roll my eyes.

“No shit. Whats wrong with him, specifically.” I emphasise, because he’s tricky that way.

Liliver shrugs, answer my question for Van as she has done since they found out they were soulmates.

“He just texted saying he wasn’t going to be in today ‘cos he was sick.” She says, taking a swig from the Gatorade bottle that's practically a permanent fixture in her hand.

We begin walking toward the school. It doesn’t take long, we live very close because of Madoc’s job as the fencing instructor. 

“What’ve you got first?” I ask Liliver as Taryn falls behind to politely talk to Van. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him slip a hand into her pocket and come up with her purse. He slips into her bag instead. Not thievery, but enough to cause confusion. 

I glare at him. He grins back.

“Chemistry.” Liliver tells me, also noting what went on behind, and also not deigning it with a comment. Her eyes went all glazed over and excited the way they always did when she talked about chemistry. “Its practical day.”

“Making stuff explode?” I ask, smiling.

“We’re not supposed to.” She smiles back.

When we get to the school, I bid goodbye to Taryn who goes off to find her friends and set off to physics with Van, who is quieter than he usually is at the prospect of an upcoming test.

I eye him suspiciously “What did you do?” 

His face splits into a wide grin like he’s been waiting for me to ask. He probably has

“I stole the answers for the test.”

I hiss through my teeth in half excitement, half annoyance. “Why didn’t you give them to me?”

he shrugs, eyes gleaming “You never asked.”

I make a noise of indignation.

He waves me off “Yeah whatever. Listen, he put material we haven’t studied on the test.”

“That bastard. That’ll be why none of us can pass his class.” 

We stop our conversation as we enter the classroom. I bid Van farewell as he goes to sit next to one of the empty seats. There are four empty – three, as I take my own next to a girl with silver eye shadow. 

Mr Baphen starts handing out tests as we sit, as though he were waiting for us, and not for the other missing three. No teacher waits for those three anymore, always late and being so extravagantly.

___

I’m about halfway through the test (and cursing Van for not giving me the answers) when they waltz in.

Cardan Greenbriar, head bitch in all regards, and his two cronies, Nicasia and Locke. Dressed fashionably, Cardan is wearing an oversized sweater with gold serpents down the arms, tucked into ripped jeans. His cheekbones glint gold.

One would suppose he would be bullied for wearing make-up the way he does – the gold highlighter and subtle eyeliner, but anyone stupid enough to pick on Cardan Greenbriar gets about 5 times worse than they give.

He ruffles my hair as he strides past “Jude.”

I glare at him and he laughs, taking his place in front of me. He looks down at the test and picks up his pen, twirling it between his thumbs and never actually writing anything.

___

When the bell of our final class rings, I am so immensely grateful that I’m first out the door. Maths is perhaps the most boring class in the world, and having 2 hours of it between me and the blissful comfort of my bed is a cruel trick of my timetable.

Cardan sweeps out behind me, without Nicasia and Locke for now.

“In a hurry?” he asks, dark brown eyes glittering with amusement

Yeah, I think. I’m in a hurry to get away from you.

But I just scowl at him and stalk off. He calls something after me but I don’t hear what it is. I check my phone. Taryn says that she isn’t walking home with me, instead catching a ride with her friend.

I text her back a quick passive-aggressive response and look around for Liliver or Van. I don’t see either of them and after a few minutes of searching the crowd I just give up.

They’ll be fine. They probably snuck off to make out in a closet.

I don’t want to go straight home, even for all my talk of going to sleep. I want to visit Vivi and Heather.

They’re apartment is a 40 minute walk away but I make the trek easily enough, used to the route that takes me there.

___

I knock on their door and Heather answers. She’s re-dyed her hair since I’ve last seen her, so the pink is a truly shocking color.

“Jude!” she says, hugging me.

“Hey, Heather” I say, breaking away. She steps to the side so I can enter their apartment. It’s small but two bedroomed, the second bedroom serving as an art-studio/junk room. Vivi is draped over the sofa, fiddling with something she’s bought. I can’t really tell what it is.

“Hey,” she says when she sees me, getting to her feet “want some tea?”

“That’d be great, thanks.” I drop my bag at the threshold. 

Vivi starts rummaging through cupboards

“Shit, Jude, do you think you could run to the shop for tea?”

“ugh, that’s another half hour walk.” I complain “And I just got here.”

“You can borrow my car.” Heather says. 

“Ughhhhhh. Fine. But I deserve so much tea after this. Don’t say I don’t love you.” I grab Heather’s key of the hook on the wall and step out of the apartment.

___

By the time I have procured a box of tea and paid for it, and started driving back to Vivi’s, it’s been an hour since school ended. I keep thinking about the music homework and how it’s due in tomorrow and I still haven’t done it.

There’s a squeal like metal on asphalt and a yell, and then I’m hit with a force like a wrecking ball.

My head lashes backwards, the airbag puffs out and presses against my chest. There’s a wet stickness dripping down from my nose into my mouth. A car alarm is wailing. 

The door of my car is flung open and someone helps me out. I’m dazed, but I see black hair and black eyes. And red, something red.

“Shit, Jude.” Someone says. I don’t hear his voice clearly. I blink until a face swims into view.

“Cardan?” I ask, slightly surprised but mostly horrified because his arms around my waist and I’m leaning heavily on his shoulder.

“You hit my brothers car.” He said, not confirming anything “And don’t bleed on my sweater.”

I look at his sweater, with the red staining the gold stitching.

“Too late?”

He groans but I’m too busy staring to pay much attention. Staring at a fine but very definite red string looped around my ring finger. I follow its path to where it hooks up. To Cardan’s finger.

My soulmate is Cardan fucking Greenbriar.


	2. Cardan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'ALL I'm so excited for this fic. I don't think this is a chapter is the very best but I just want Jurdan goodness
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Cardan is very fleetingly abused by Balekin in this chapter :(

I drive Jude to the hospital. She doesn’t protest. In fact, she doesn’t say anything at all. She called her sister (the one whose car she crashed), apologises and asks her to come collect it. We stood there for 30 minutes in silence, and we’re sat in silence now.

I don’t actually think there’s anything wrong with her. It was only a minor crash, her nose was bleeding and she’s a bit dazed, but I think that has more to do with the red string connecting our left ring fingers.

I’d heard of accidents and spilled blood revealing soulmate strings but I didn’t realise it was something that actually happened.

I also didn’t realise that Jude Duarte would be my soulmate.

She continues to not speak to me as I take her into the ER.

“Ok, what’s wrong with her?” ask a cheerful lady at the front desk.

“She had a minor car crash. For the record, I don’t believe there’s much wrong apart from shock.”

She shares me one her carefully crafted glares as the woman tells her to sit on one of the beds. She does, so I lean against the railing surrounding it.

I smirk at her, as I do when I’m worried, and she glowers so intently that one would think that she’s trying to burn a whole through me with her eyes. Maybe she is. Maybe I want her to.

A nurse presses a hand against Jude’s forehead, then to the side of her neck and then finally cleans the dried blood from under her nose.

“You’re all fine, dear.” She says, patting her on the shoulder “You can go home.”

“I will.” She says.

The nurse turns to me expectantly “You’d better take your girlfriend home, son. She’s in no shape to drive. She isn’t going into shock, but she’ll still be shaken up.”

Jude hisses at the nurses retreating back, then storms out of the ER. I am left standing by an abandoned cot, with my phone ringing in my pocket – probably Balekin coming to yell about his car- and an ever tightening string around my finger.

Actually, the string is starting to hurt quite a lot. I take a step forward and it eases slightly.

Oh no. Oh no no no no no no no no no no no. I’ve heard horror stories about this kinda thing. This not happening.

I’m almost jogging by the time I find Jude. She’s sitting, stormy-eyed, in the passenger seat of my Balekin’s car. There’s a rather large dent on the front and I wince. I’ll pay when he sees that .

I get in and start the engine. When I grab the wheel my finger throbs in protest.

“What,” she says, surprising me. I was expecting another car journey of amazing conversation like before “happened to your finger?”

The red string was cutting into it, making it swollen and slightly purple. 

“I think,” I say, flexing my finger “that you got to far away.”

“Oh, that’s absolutely great.” She says angrily “You live further away than the goddamn parking lot, how are we supposed to live like this?”

She slaps her palm against the dashboard and I shrug.

“Guess we’ll have to live with it.”

She sighs irritably as I reverse out of the parking lot carefully.

The sparkling conversation we had on the way here returns, in that she sits in angry silence until I drop her off at her house. It’s actually pretty big, with sports equipment littering the front yard and children’s drawings in the window.

“Your welcome.” I call after her as she trudges up to her house.

“For what?” she turns around

“Y’know, taking you to the hospital, not pressing charges for my car, driving you home and all that.”

She grimaces and mutters something which I’m sure is not an apology. I watch apprehensively until she reaches the front door before driving off. Driving slowly and keeping an eye on the red string, I drive back home.

The string doesn’t tighten. Huh. In fact, I make it all the way home and it stays the same, still trailing away into the sunset.

Before I can even close the car door, Balekin’s hand is wrapped around my arm, tugging me forward. I don’t struggle. I deserve it, I crashed his car. (Well, Jude crashed into his car, but I’m not going to mention that)

He drags me into the darkest depth of the house, the billiards room with only one, small window. He throws me there, and I brace myself against the pool table. My breaths are shallow and quick.

“Take your shirt off.” He says, and I can hear him unbuckling his belt

I pull it over my head quickly. It’s stiff with Jude’s dried blood.

Even though I expect it, the first crack of the belt against my back jolts me and I let out a low whine of pain.

“How dare you,” Balekin snarls, one whip for every word “crash my car?”

Crack, crack crack. My arms are trembling but I keep upright. Tears sting my eyes. I’m grinding my teeth together to keep from yelling.

My sweater is thrown at my now bleeding and tender back.

“You’re a disgrace.” He spits before leaving.

He’s spoken the words before, before they still smart a bit.

I clutch my shirt to my chest and stand there for a second, blinking the tears out of my eyes and controlling my breathing.

Them I tug on my shirt and walk out the room, wincing as the soft fabric of the sweater rubs against my split open back.

___

The first thing in school the next morning is Jude. Her head is thrown back, and she’s laughing at something that the white-haired girl said. The tall sandy-blonde one is no-where to be found, but the little green haired one is stood at their elbows.

I pass by her and don’t speak. She breathes a sigh of what sounds like relief and then launches into a story about the car crash with very few details.

I open my locker, making a rather grand show of searching for something while I listen to her version of the story.

“Well, I was actually thinking about the music homework that Miss Greenbriar set and how I didn’t do it until like midnight.”

The small green one whispers something in her ear and she nods.

“Yeah, Van. Anyway, I must’ve drifted into the other side of the road, ‘cos I just crunched right into someone’s fender. The guy whose car I hit helped me to the hospital after I called Vivi. Madoc grounded me for a week for crashing the car and not telling him Vivi was living with Heather.” She shrugs “That’s it.”

Do her friends notice how her eyes keep flickering to me? If they do they don’t comment

“That sounds pretty serious Jude.” The white haired girl says, putting a hand on her shoulder and frowning “You sure you’re not hurt.”

Something in my gut wrenches. I slam my locker closed, given up on the charade of searching for a never lost item. It’s only a platonic gesture, and I know that, but some little monster of jealousy hates it. Hates that I’ll probably never touch her that casually.

Soulmates or not, she hates me. 

“Hey Cardan,” says a breathy voice from beside me. Nicasia is leaning against my now closed locker and batting her eyelashes up at me. She seems slightly out of breath.

“Hey,” I say, not missing the hateful glance Nicasia casts at Jude.

“Locke wants to throw a party this weekend.” She informs me, grabbing my arm to steer me toward class. I shake her off and shove a hand in my pocket

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Any requests?”

I contemplate that for a moment. Jude said Madoc has her grounded for the week, and she doesn’t look like the type to sneak out. Of course, I would never ask her myself. Locke would ask Taryn, Taryn would ask Jude. She would almost certainly bring along that little court she’s always with, but I think I could deal with that.

“Two.” I tell Nicasia as we loiter on a staircase “One, it has to be next week. Two, Locke has to invite Taryn Duarte.”

She looks confused but I don’t give her chance to ask questions as I head up the stairs.

Without Nicasia there, I give myself a chance to, for the first time, truly study the red string knotted around my finger.


	3. Jude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The obligatory party chapter that every good high school au has.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I watched a bunch of re-uploaded Among Us streams while writing this
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: date-rape drugs administered of Jude (nothing happens, don't worry)

“A party?” I ask “Of Locke’s. You want me to go to a party.”

“Come on, Jude.” Taryn whines “Liven up a bit!”

I grumble something, which she apparently takes as acceptance. 

“Great! Madoc already said we can go, so you just need to get dressed.” She says starting to rummage in my wardrobe. She pulls at stuff, then discards most of them.

“I don’t know what to wear to parties.”

“Luckily for you,” she says, pausing to examine a sequin tank top, and then throwing it over her shoulder onto my bed “I do.”

___

I ended up in a red satin structured bodice, leather pants and heels too high to be practical.

“What if I need to run somewhere?” I complain as I wrestle them onto my feet.

“Why would you need to run anywhere?” she asks, then tells me to stay still so she can wing out my eyeliner. We got changed at the same time, and Taryn is in a baby pink, glittery, low-cut dress. 

She takes a fluffy brush and blends out my eyeshadow, one finger pulling my eye taught. I squint up at her “What if I need to run away from creepy guys?”

“Then take your shoes off.”

I snort “I’d rather use them as weapons.”

I make a gesture that vaguely resembles stabbing “Right in the eye, y’know?”

She shakes her head as she dabs blusher onto my cheeks and nose “No, I don’t. Sometimes you can really tell who raised you.”

“Sometimes you can’t tell who raised you.”

She looks away for a second. “I’m going to go do my hair. I’ll be back in a second.”

She slips away. Perhaps I was a bit too harsh with that comment. Taryn wants to fit in to be liked. Madoc wants to make everyone fear him enough that he doesn’t have to fit in. I suppose I’m rather like that as well.

I take it upon myself to tie my hair in a high ponytail and curl the ends of it. 

When Taryn slips back into the room, she’s done her hair up into a crown of ringlets. She’s added pink to the corners of the eyeshadow I did for her, and she’s holding similar red and pink purses. She hands me the red one, nearly the same colour as my corset-bodice thing.

“One thing before we go.” She says as I put my phone, keys, lipgloss, mace and the switchblade that may or may not be illegal into the purse Taryn handed me.

She pulls my hair to the side and attaches a simple gold chain choker around my neck. Twin to the one she’s wearing.

“Let’s go.” I say, and grin in spite of myself.

We’re almost out the door before Oriana stops us.

“You two look lovely.” She says worriedly, but like she means it. “Remember not to-“

“Yes, we know. No accepting drinks from strangers. No sex without protection.” I cut her off, tired of having the same lecture every time we go to a party (on the rare occasions) “Don’t drink too much that we can’t stand. No driving drunk. No accepting drugs from strangers. No accepting drugs period. Unless its weed because that’s fine. Don’t do anything we might regret in the morning.”

I have her speech almost memorised. 

She nods and touches my arm “I won’t have you girls getting hurt.”

Won’t have, I note. Not don’t want.

___

The parties already swinging when we get there. Even if I don’t like the guy, I have to admit that Locke throws good parties. Smoke billows out the front door and the music is so mind-shatteringly loud I have to fight the urge to cover my eardrums. Colourful strobe lights flash through the open windows.

We step inside and are immediately greeted by Locke, who hands us drinks.

“These are for you two lovely ladies.” He sounds distracted, but I suppose it must be distracting to have nearly a hundred drunken high schoolers around your house. “enjoy the party.” 

He drifts off. I look around. There’s already someone throwing up into a trashcan. Cardan is dancing with Nicasia, but looking straight at me.I turn away and the red string connecting us tightens. Reluctantly I take a step toward him.

“You came.” He’s next to me know. My hand flies to my purse. He puts both hands up in surrender.

“What do you want.” I growl, keeping a hand on the switchblade in my purse, nervously thumbing over the handle, where Madoc had my name engraved (so Taryn and I could differentiate between them. I don’t think she’s ever even opened hers.)

“A dance.” He offers me his hand

“No,” I raise my drink “I’m busy.”

he grins wickedly “I’m sure I could find someone to hold your drink.”

I arch my eyebrow “I don’t think I’d trust someone in this crowd.”

“Then promise me a dance later.” 

“I don’t think I will.” I take a sip of my drink. No idea what it is, but it tastes nicer than I expected.

“It’s called a Black Russian.” Cardan tells me “vodka, coffee liqueur and cola.”

“That sounds racist.”

“Maybe that’s why it’s not really served anymore.” 

I take another sip. It leaves a chocolate aftertaste in my mouth.

There’s a hand on my elbow. I tense.

“Its me.” Liliver shouts down my ear. With the music this loud, I still barely hear her. I can’t imagine how loud Cardan and I were shouting.

“Liliver,” Cardan yells. I’m surprised he knows her name. “Could you hold Jude’s drink for a moment?”

“Yeah, sure.” She takes the drink from my hand and gives me a warning look, which I return. Cardan takes my hand and an electric thrum sparks through my veins. 

He leads me to the middle of the pulsing mass of bodies and drops my hand. I don’t know what to do. I don’t dance at parties, I skulk in the shadows and decline offers to dance.

I tried to decline Cardan, who wouldn’t take no for an answer. I watch him dance for a moment, mildly amused, then cross my arms.

“Liven up a bit.” He shouts over the music “You’re always so serious.”

He takes both my hands in one of his. Just for a moment, the smell of sweat and alchol is sharper, the strobe lights are brighter, the music louder. There’s pure, unfiltered joy in his eyes as I dance along with him. 

I’ve never seen him this way, ever. He’s always so resentful, so cold and harsh. This is the Cardan he must be truly.

At some point during our dance, someone passes me a drink. Assuming it’s Liliver, I chug it in one.

I continue to dance (if you can call it that) with Cardan, who looks a little worried.

“What?” I ask, a little slurred. He stops dancing 

“Are you ok?” he asks clutching my hands tighter. 

My visions a little cloudy. I stumble when I try to take a step forward. He’s so beautiful.

Pulling one of my hands away from his, I reach to touch his face. He re-captures my hand, his own forming a manacle around my wrist.

“Let’s get you out of here.” He says right next to my ear. His lips brush my skin. I shudder.

My vision is well and truly hazed over now. I want to close my eyes and sleep.

“Oh no,” says another voice, a female voice. Someone else props me up, their delicate arm slinging around my waist, the other throwing my arm over their shoulders. The difference in height between this other girl and Cardan is kind of funny, so I giggle.

“I think she’s been drugged.” Cardan tells the girl. They’re dragging me away, my feet tripping over nothing. I think I’m going up a staircase. 

I laugh again as the girl swears violently.

I’m in a new room, completely bland and unmemorable and empty of people. They lay me down on a bed, and I scratch at Cardan’s arm.

“Stay.” I whine. My eyes are closing. Sleep sounds like a good idea.

“Ok.” He says. I can hear his voice clearer now, with the music a faint background hum. 

I tug on the red string and he stumbles forward, falling onto the bed. I curl around him.

“Oh,” the girl says, astonishment in her voice “shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have so many ideas for this fic and not enough time.  
> i am also currently abandoning my main WIP and all my side wips to write this fic because its easier than coming up with my own plot and characters  
> xx


	4. Cardan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me? actually uploading multiple chapters? unheard of. this ones a bit shorter so it took me less time to write it ig.  
> awkward cardan rights. this boy loves jude so much and shes so resentful  
> i dont think i should be using the enemies to lovers tag because this goes pretty quickly but i want jurdan content
> 
> ALSO if you haven't read Crown Of Midnight by Sarah J. Maas don't look at the end notes cos I'm gonna rant about it there.

I don’t sleep for a while. Jude is dozing, with her face pressed against my chest and her fingers tangled in mine. My breathing is all over the place and so is my heart. My face burns. 

Liliver fell asleep a while ago, after laughing at my bright red face. Jude’s abandoned cup sits, undrunk aside from a few sips, on the dresser.

As soon as Jude gets off me, I’m going to hunt down and kill whoever slipped the date-rape drug into her drink. 

I close my eyes and sigh through my nose. Jude was so unguarded, stumbling up the stairs to Locke’s guest room. She giggled. She told me I was beautiful, which I knew, but it was different hearing it from her mouth.

She made a small grumbling noise in her sleep, and curled tighter around my body. Her red lip-gloss was smeared down her face and my shirt and her eyeliner has smudged and given her raccoon eyes.

I try and sleep, once it’s clear that she isn’t moving anytime soon.

___

When I sleep, I dream of Jude Duarte. She’s covered in snakes, ropes of writhing black oil. Underneath, she’s motionless and her eyes are glassy. When I reach out a hand, a snake lashes out and bites me. 

There’s venom in my system, I can feel it moving clumsily through my veins and into my heart. I crumple to the floor, my knees giving out. I’m sprawled on the ground, hair in my eyes, facing Jude’s unmoving body. 

Slowly, I stretch out a hand and wrap my fingers around Jude’s wrist.

She blinks once, then closes her eyes. She doesn’t open them again. My eyes are heavy as well. I roll my head and close my eyes...

___

I jolt awake, panting softly. In the night, Jude rolled away from me and is now starfishing, almost pushing me off the end with one strong hand. 

Liliver is scrolling through her phone, legs crossed and somehow wearing different clothes. She has somehow acquired the flannel shirt I was wearing over my t-shirt yesterday.

Jude’s twin sister, Taryn, is also there, wearing my denim jacket pulled tight over her pink dress.

“Did you two strip me while I was asleep?” I ask, voice husky from sleep. I run a hand through my hair.

“You did that yourself.” Taryn says shyly. I don’t think she’s ever talked to me before

Liliver snorts “Jude asked you to stay and you apparently decided it was too warm. I was cold, so I took your shirt.”

“Do you want your jacket back?” Taryn asks.

I’m at least some semblance of dressed, so I shake my head. She clutches it even tighter around her.

A hand wraps around my bicep. I freeze, not wanting to wake her up.

“She’s been doing that all night.” Liliver tells me, not looking up from her phone. Taryn nods. 

“When do you think she’ll let go?” I ask, testing her strength. Even in sleep, her grip is strong and her fingers dig into my skin.

“When she wakes up.”

“Which will be when, exactly? I wouldn’t mind having my arm back.”

Not a lie, just an avoidance of the truth. I would like my arm back, but I don’t want to Jude to wake up. Because then she’d leave. Selfish of me, but what am I if not an inherently selfish creature?

“Sometimes it can take her ‘til noon.” Taryn says. Her hand is gripped so tightly around her purse that her knuckles are white.

I groan “Great.”

___

My eyes are closed in an attempt to sleep when Jude wakes. She does so aggressively, kicking out at the bed covers as though they did something to personally offend her. Perhaps they have.

I peak one eye open and she scowls at me Even with her make-up running down her face and her hair a mess, she’s as beautiful and ferocious as ever.

“Jude.” Says Taryn in relief.

“Why haven’t you gone home yet?” Jude groans, stretching.

“In case you didn’t realise,” Taryn shakes her phone at Jude, who just closes her eyes and stretches some more “You’ve been passes out in bed until noon. Madoc would’ve killed me if I came home without you.”

“Shit, it’s noon?” she looks around, scowling at me some more. I’ve started to think that maybe her face is just like that. “How did I even get here?”

“Some dick put something in your drink,” Liliver finally looks up from her phone “Cardan and I got you out of the way so someone couldn’t uh... take advantage of you.”

“Your welcome for that by the way.” I tell her while putting my shoes back on.

“That was nice of you.” She says waspishly

“Yes, I suppose it was rather nice of me.” 

Not to mention that I would’ve never forgiven myself if something would’ve happened to her.

“We should go, Taryn. Madoc will be wondering where we are.” Jude clutches her purse to her chest “And we are not mentioning this to Oriana.”

For a second, the twins glare at each other. 

“Fine.” Taryn concedes. 

They walk toward the door, Liliver in tow. 

“Uh, Jude?” I say, suddenly nervous “Can I talk to you for a minute.”

She assesses me, my smile, my fidgeting hands. Then she looks at Liliver whose grinning and Taryn who looks slightly worried.

“You two go ahead. We’ll just be a minute.”

Taryn files out. Liliver claps Jude on the shoulder before she leaves.

She rounds on me “What do you want?”

“Calm down. I just wanted to ask you something.”

“Well ask it.”

Forming the words is a slight problem. It would be embarrassing if she said no.

“Go on a date with me.”

It gives me a kind of sick pleasure when she looks shocked.

“What?”

I shake my hand at her, the one with the string attached “You can’t ignore this forever, Jude.”

“I can if I want.”

“And do you? Want to ignore it, I mean.”

She swallows. I watch the movement in her throat.

“I don’t know.”

“Let me help you figure it out.” I say, as nonchalantly as possible.

But I’m desperate. I don’t know if she can hear the near whine in my voice, but I’m begging. I’m practically down on my knees.

She contemplates, her steely glare digging its way into my soul.

“You know,” I say “If looks could kill you’d be a convicted murderer.”

“Is that how you’re going to convince me to go on a date with you?” she says, but her face relaxes and she stops trying to stab me with her eyes.

After a long beat of silence, she looks around, grabs a pen of the desk and then wields it like a sword.

“Give me your hand.” 

I offer it to her. With just a little bit too much force, she scrawls something on my palm. It’s a number. It’s her number. 

“Text me when and where.”

She leaves without another word.

___

For a few days I’ve been tossing about ideas of where to take Jude. 

The movies seem to cliché. 

I don’t think she’d want to talk to me over dinner.

Maybe she’d like something aggressive, but the nearest thing is a paintball place that recquires at least four people.

“You look worried.” Nicasia says at my elbow. 

I almost startle (almost)

“I’m good.” I tell her.

Valerian pats my arm. He came back into town the night of Locke’s party. He’s only staying for a week. I raise an eyebrow at him.

“You look like your thinking about something.”

“Is that so hard to believe.”

Valerian laughs.

“To be honest, Cardan, sometimes it is.” Locke says.

“Oh fuck off.”

Locke checks his watch.

“I have to go, I’ll be late for rehearsal.” 

“Later, idiot.”

Would Jude like to go to a coffee shop? She doesn’t really seem the type to sit in a hipster cafe and drink over-expensive drinks.

My phone buzzes. It’s Balekin, asking for my whereabouts.  
“I have to go.” I tell them and stand up.

“See you tomorrow.” Nicasia waves at me.

“Yeah talk to you later.” Valerian says, almost half heartedly.

I text Balekin to say that I’m on my way home and then check my Instagram.

Elfhame Fare, coming soon!

Huh. Jude might like that. I’d have chance to impress her, maybe win her a teddy bear on the grabber machines.

So, I open up a text chain with Jude for the first time and text her:

Me: Elfhame Fare, one weeks time, I’ll meet you outside your house

Jude: See you then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how DARE SJM kill Nehemia. blah blah blah whatever its for the plot FUCK OFF you just killed the only non white and cool character what the FUCK   
> dorian completely deserves to have magic but he also deserves a better father and also some therapy  
> really went of chaol in this book :( sometimes an assassin gf isnt a good thing for a man


	5. Jude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its their first date :)   
> taryn finds out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> three chapters in three days? my other fics are jealous. Kindergarten takes a month for one chapter bu YBSMIYD gets three chapters in the space of a week because im SLUT for jurdan. I also love pynch but theres more build up for that one.  
> i'll stop talking now bye xx

I’d wanted to ask him how he knew where he lived. I wanted to ask him why we were going to the fareground, but I didn’t.

Now it’s been a week, and there’s a knock on my door. For some unknown reason, my heart is fluttering.

“Jude!” Oriana calls up the stairs, sounding slightly unnerved “There’s someone here for you!”

Ok, so maybe I should’ve told them I was going on a date with Cardan, but they would’ve freaked out and I’m just not in the mood for their lectures. 

The only reason I told Vivi was because I had to ask her what people wear on dates. She told to dress like myself, but a bit classier. She also told me to dress comfy, and to not wear a dress. Apparently, there are a lot of rules.

“I’ll be down in a minute!” I call to her. Anxiously I check my reflection. My hair has been braided and twisted into a bun. I re-tuck in my Green Day shirt into my jeans (the ones that Oriana frequently calls scraps of denim because of the amount and size of the rips) because what’s the point of going through a punk phase when you were 13, if not to wear the t-shirt over striped long-sleeves?

“Why are you dressed like that?” Oak asks, standing in my doorframe.

“First of all, rude,” I say, crouching down next to him and shouldering a backpack “and second, I’m going on a date.”

I feels weird to say it outloud. 

“Oh. Well, have fun with the boy.” He says, then trots out the room.

I almost run down the stairs, but stop short when I get to the living room. Cardan is reclined on our sofa, wearing geometric pants and a t-shirt with a gold embroidered scarab beetle on the pocket.

“Jude.” He says cheerfully and gets to his feet.

Madoc, who was sat across from him on the opposite on the sofa, shoots me a look that could kill.

Ignoring the tension between Madoc and I, Cardan offers me an arm.

“Shall we?” 

I don’t take is arm, but grab his forearm and yank him toward the door.

___

The fareground has been set up on a field ringed by trees. Colourful light play across stalls and machines and make-shift arcades.

Cardan offers me a hand again. I raise an eyebrow, and he lets it drop. 

The first thing he pulls me toward is balloon darts. Huh. I’m not entirely sure what to make of that.

He bows mockingly.

“I heard your good at darts.”

“I don’t know who told you that.” I say, but he’s right, I am pretty good at darts.

Cardan hands the lady working there some cash and she gives me a handful of darts.

I aim the first at the centre balloon, and throw it. There’s a satisfying pop, and the balloon deflates. 

“Nice one.” Cardan says appreciatively.

I nod and hold the second with a perfect throwing stance. I throw, aiming for the one directly above the first – top in the second ring. 

I throw, and the dart impales itself in the centre of the now popped balloon.

“I’m kind of scared of you now. When did you learn to throw darts so well?”

“I had an interesting childhood.”

I throw the third and with a clunk, it embeds itself in the wood, just about popping the final balloon.

“Damn.” I say.

The woman counts up my total and offers me pick of two teddies.

I raise an eyebrow at Cardan “Take your pick.”

He grins like a little kid in a sweetshop and points to a light blue bear holding a yellow heart.

“We’ll have that one.” I tell the lady, who smiles and hands it to me.

Cardan puts out his hand, but I hold it to my chest.

“Why did you even ask for my opinion if you’re not going to give it to me?” Cardan whines as we start walking away.

“To torture you.” I say, holding it closer to me.

“Well, since you’ve succeeded in doing that and bested me severely in darts, I think I owe you one. Let me by you cotton candy?”

“You may.”

He pays for one stick of cotton candy, from which he rips a bit of then offers to me. I follow his example and let it dissolve on my tongue.

I offer him the teddy “Here. I’ll swap.”

He gladly hands me the cotton candy, and I give him the bear. He tucks it into the crook of his arm. I rip of another piece of cotton candy, and pop it in my mouth. The remnants stick to my fingers.  
“I don’t think there’s another dart game, so sadly your dart-throwing skills won’t be needed again.

“Then its a lucky thing I’m a girl of many talents.”

“That you are.”

I blush. In that moment, I’m immensely thankful for the dim yet colourful lights, because I’m blushing, goddamnit! I turn my head away so he can’t catch on, but let him drag me further into the dizzying lights of the fareground.

___

Before I go back into my house, Cardan takes my hand.

“I had a lot of fun tonight.” He says. 

“Surprisingly, so did I.”

He laughs “What did you expect?”

“I don’t know. Part of me thought you were going to take me to bully little kids.”

“You wouldn’t have enjoyed that?”

“It depends who we’re bullying.”

I take my hand away from his and pull from my backpack all the other prizes I won for him. He hands over the small but cute ladybug plushie he spent 20 minutes getting on the grabber machines. It was a valiant effort, but he failed. A lot.

“I’m not entirely sure how I’m supposed to walk home like this.” He says, sticking his head over the arm of a eddy half the size of him.

I gulp, because what I’m about to do is very, very, very stupid. Standing up on my tiptoes, I lean into him and very briefly kiss his cheek. It’s little more than a brush of my lips on his skin, but my cheeks are burning and he’s gone pink.

“See you later, Cardan.” I say and go home.

___ 

Taryn is sat in the living room, chin resting on her knee, painting her toenails a rather garish shade of hot pink. She is very pointedly not talking to me.

Oak comes gallivanting into the room and starts tugging at my sleeve.

“Did you enjoy?” he asks. I crouch down and tweak his nose.

“I suppose I did.”

“I already knew you did.” He says smugly. “You kissed him, which was gross.”

Taryn’s head swivels toward me like an owl.

“You what?” She demands.

My cheeks flush. “Not really. It was on the cheek and it lasted less than a second.” 

She gives me a sceptical look. “Oak, can you go ask your mom what to do about your homework.”

“Taryn-“

Oak scampers off. Taryn wiggles her toes and turns her body toward me. 

“What’s happening, Jude?”

I take a deep breath “Have you heard of that thing with the soulmate string being revealed by spilled blood?”

She nods. I flex my fingers by my side, and her eyes zero in on the action.

Eyes as round as saucers, she looks back at my face “Cardan?”

I’m so relieved that I don’t have to say the words ‘Cardan Greenbriar is my soulmate’ out loud that I almost laugh. Saying those words would make it real, a fact that I’m trying to avoid at all costs.


	6. Cardan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am but a normal person and all I want is a teeny bit of angst inbetween the fluff
> 
> so enjoy badass jude from cardan pov and more jude and her switchblade content
> 
> im thinking of giving this fic a higher rating because I want to write some not-really smut but too smutty to be considered a teen
> 
> more crown of midnight thoughts/spoilers at the end because I finished the book

I haven’t bothered to wipe the lip print off my cheek, and I suspect that I’m smiling like a lunatic while walking home. I’ve almost dropped the teddies Jude won for me so many times. She’s so ahd to read that I wasn’t sure she was enjoying herself. 

Then, she glared at me like she was thinking of the best way to impale her switchblade in my gut (she’s been caught with it at school too many times to count (side note: what the hell kind of parent gives a switchblade to an eight year old?)), when she leaned in and kissed my cheek.

She was bright red. My brain stopped. I’m pretty sure my heart stopped too. My thoughts sounded really witty and sarcastic, y’know, like radio silence.

___

“Cardan?” Nicasia waves her hand in front of my eyes “Earth to Cardan.”

I blink. “What?”

“You totally zoned out there dude.” Locke eyes me suspiciously “You’re doing that a lot lately .”

“It’s chill.” I tell him, actually tuning into the conversation for once “What were you saying?”

“That the Christmas dance is coming up soon.” Nicasia says breathily “I was thinking we could go together?”

She looked at Locke as if to indicate that he clearly wasn’t invited. He doesn’t look like he cares.

“I’ll think about it.” I tell her, which is what I say every time she invites me to a dance.

She pouts.

“You think you’ll invite someone else?” she asks haughtily, glaring at everyone else in the cafeteria. A few of the meeker girls shy away from her gaze, but Jude stares levelly back at her, not glancing in my direction.

It shouldn’t bother me that she didn’t look me way, but it did.

Nor should it make my stomach flutter with stupid pride when Nicasia backs down from the stare-down first.

Nicasia made a disgusted noise in the back of her throat and turned away, the blue blush on her cheeks turning slightly purple.

“Do I need to alert the school to an up-and-coming bitchfight?” Locke asks jokingly.

Nicasia swats at his arm “It’s below me to fight her. She’d probably fight dirty and stab me with that stupid little knife.”

“Its only playing dirty if there are rules. There are no rules in a bitchfight.” I tell her, which adds more kindling to the fire of Nicasia’s anger, yet to be lit. But the gasoline is sitting across the cafeteria, wearing the same Green Day shirt she did yesterday and smirking. I have no intention to douse her with water just yet.

“Its not a fair fight!” she says, smacking one hand on the table. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Locke press his lips together to stop himself from smiling.

“Would you like a switchblade too? Want me to engrave your name on the side?” 

Her brows furrow. The gasoline has been poured, and I’ve just lit a match and thrown it on the pyre.

In a rather abrupt and dramatic gesture, Nicasia hoists herself up and stomps over to what I used to refer to as the Court of Shadows. Named so, because Jude and her friends wore all black during their punk phase and sat at the only table in the cafeteria that didn’t get any sunlight.

Watching from a distance, I see Nicasia slam her hands down in front of Jude, who calmly looks up.

The whole cafeteria is silent but for hushed whispers. What is there to not watch, when the Queen Bee of the school picks a fight with the girl whose infamous for carrying knives. 

“What do you want, Nicasia?” Jude asks with perfect clarity and that light in her eyes she always gets during some dangerous activity or another. Not that I watch her eyes or anything.

“You, me, parking lot after school.” Nicasia growls. Does Jude notice how Nicasia’s eyes keep flicking back to me?

If she does she doesn’t say anything as her face splits into a grin that more resembles a snarl. In a sugared tone she asks “Aw, does little Nicasia feel threatened?”

Even from here, I see the red flush climbing up Nicasia neck as she drags her fingernails down the surface of Jude’s table.

“Fight me, bitch.” Nicasia snarls the last word at Jude, who seems unphased.

“No, I don’t think I will.” At that, murmurs break out across the cafeteria. I have to remind myself not to seem invested. Locke’s eyes glint with dangerous curiosity. Even Jude’s eternal companions seem a little shocked at her answer.

“Are you too scared?” Nicasia spits.

Jude laughs a cold, hollow laugh. It’s nothing like how she laughed the other day at the fare. It’s hauntingly beautiful. I suppress a shudder and cross my legs

“Of you?” Jude asks mockingly “I’m more scared of a fly on the wall. You couldn’t throw a punch if your life depended on it.”

Nicasia’s so angry her face is flushed bright red. “How about you find out?” 

Jude hasn’t stop smiling. It’s slightly demented.

Very slowly, with Nicasia’s eyes tracking the movement, Jude reaches into her back pocket and withdraws her knife, and starts spinning it gracefully around her fingers.

Nicasia pales but doesn’t back down, which is brave. Brave, but incredibly stupid, given that Jude has a knife and Nicasia has a grand total of nothing.

“Jude Duarte!”

Shit.

Jude flicks her eyes toward where my oldest brother stands in the doorway. Anyone who was whispering has stopped now and the only sound is shallow breathing.

“Vice Principal Dain.” She says, smiling pleasantly.

“Come with me this instant.”

Jude gets to her feet without hassle, cleaning under her nails with her knife. Nicasia looks triumphant.

I’m doing my best to look bored – like my entertainment has gone away – but I’m still so worried about her that I might not be pulling it off. 

“Put the knife away.” Dain tells her. With an exaggerated eye roll she sticks it in her bag. 

Surely she can’t just keep a switchblade and her pencil case in the same area? She’d stab herself accidently for certain.

Dain marches out of the cafeteria with Jude on his heels.

___

I’m lounging on the brick wall that surrounds the parking lot when she comes out. Last out of almost everyone in the school.

“Cardan.” She says curtly as she walks past. I grab her wrist and she turns toward, anger blazing in her eyes.

“Care for a ride home?”

She snarls “No, I’m good. Since I wouldn’t want to piss of your older brother any more.”

I let go of her wrist. “What?”

She puts on a high, mimicking voice “I don’t think being near my brother is good for you.”

She turns away “And I think he’s right.”

My heart plummets to the soles of my feet. I grab her hand between both of mine and she stills. She could have pulled away if she wanted to. The feel of our skin together sends electricity through my veins.

“Jude, please.” My voice is whiny and nothing like how it usually is. She’s so still she may as well be a statue. A statue of an avenging goddess.

“Cardan.” She says softly.

“I don’t know what Dain said to you but –“ I’m fumbling over my words, practically on my knees and begging. 

“So you didn’t send Nicasia over to my table to see if I would fight for you?” her words are harsh again, any trace of softness gone.

“Of course I didn’t.” But with horrifying realisation, I think I did. “Nicasia is easy to anger, but I didn’t think she would do that. I swear.”

She turns to back to me. Her face is full of frosty sorrow.

“I’ll think about it Cardan.” 

She brushes a hand across my face, and I feel the slight scrape of her jagged nails and the whisper of the red string.

Then she’s gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK OK OK so a lot of badass Caleana contentof CoM and I'm LOVING it tbh.  
> chaol got a teensy bit more liekable but i still prefer dorian  
> fuck archer and fuck the king of adarlan  
> even though i knew the plot twist i still enjoyed Celaena shifting into her fae form and chaol finding out she was actually aelin  
> fleetfoot got hurt my poor baby :(


	7. Jude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they're having a target date and stargazing babes xx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is jude being awkward that is all

Whispers followed me that day. Mr Baphen kept me behind to tell me how disapproving he was, which I didn’t really care about but worried me that even the teachers knew.  
  
Then, there was that confrontation with Cardan. Dain, once he had taken me out of the cafeteria he’d told me some things that made me re-evaluate my view of Cardan. No matter how cruel, how wicked he was, the person Dian had described wasn’t him.  
  
 _Cardan is a troublemaker, he enjoys corruptness and all he wants is a show. He probably sent Nicasia to pick a fight with you, Jude. I don’t think being near my brother is good for you. He’ll cast you away, the first chance he gets, as soon as you no longer hold his interest.  
  
_ But that wasn’t the Cardan I knew. That wasn’t the Cardan who blushed when I kissed him cheek. It certainly wasn’t the Cardan who spent way too long winning me a grabber machine teddy.  
  
Maybe I should heed Dain’s words. But I won’t.  
  
I grab my phone and hover over the call button, torn.  
  
___  
  
This was an incredibly, incredibly stupid idea.   
  
I’m standing on the darkened lawn of the mansion Hollow Hall, holding a handful of pebbles.  
  
This is a _really_ stupid idea.   
  
I know which window is Cardan’s, recognising his silhouette through the closed curtains.  
  
Heart hammering, I pick up a pebble and hurl it at the window. The sound is like the crack of the wind in the still and silent night.  
  
Inside, Cardan stills.  
  
No going back now. I hurl another pebble. That one doesn’t sound as loud as the first.  
  
Cardan opens his curtains then, seeing me, pushes his up his window. He’s shirtless, which makes me blush.  
  
“Jude?” he hisses.  
  
“Come with me?” I ask. My voice sounds entirely to needy.   
  
He grins widely, and my hurt flutters. Firmly, I tell my heart to stop it.  
  
“I’ll be out in a minute. Meet me by the front door.”  
  
“Bring your wallet.”  
  
He closes the window but not the curtains.   
  
Frozen, I watch him tug a shirt over his head. When he meets my eyes, he winks.  
  
I turn on my heel and all but run around to the front of the house. Awkwardly, I stand there until he emerges, looking half-asleep and with his usual eyeliner smudged under his eyes.  
  
“Where are we going?” he asks through a yawn. How late had it gotten?  
  
“Target.”  
  
___  
  
Cardan was a lot more awake in the artificial lighting of Target.  
  
“So what, exactly, are we doing?” he asks, shoving his hands in his pockets.

  
“We’ve got five minutes to buy whatever snacks we want. I’ll tell you the rest later.”  
  
Cardan grabs a shopping cart, starts a timer for five minutes on his phone and goes careening into the chips aisle with a maniacal cackle. I nearly sprint after him.  
  
His eyes are wild as he sweeps a few family size bags of chips into the shopping cart.  
  
“Get in the cart, Jude!” He yells. His voice echoes around the empty store  
  
“What?”  
  
He spins the cart so the handle is toward me. Apprehensively, I perch on the handle bars and almost fall straight off, had he not grabbed hold of my waist and secure.  
  
When he starts running off again, I shriek, taken by surprise. Before we hurtle out the aisle, I snatch a bag of Doritos of the shelf and fling them into the cart.  
  
___  
  
The teenage boy manning the register glares at us when we approach. For a five minute run, we got an awful lot of food and also made an awful lot of noise.  
  
He starts scanning out items as quickly as possible, probably to get us out of the store as soon as he can, but I frown at the price stacking up.  
  
“You sure you don’t want me to get half of this?” I ask him, hand edging to my pocket  
  
“Don’t be stupid.” He says, already counting out money “Besides, doesn’t the man always pay for the date?”  
  
I blush “This isn’t a date.”  
  
“Then what is it, Jude?” When I look at him, there’s something in his eyes I can’t read.  
  
I don’t answer, but concede and let Cardan pay.  
  
“So,” he says “where to next?”  
  
His hand brushes mine and I have the strangest urge to hold it. I cross my arms.  
  
“To the park.”  
  
If he’s surprised, he doesn’t let on as he follows me out of the parking lot and down a side street that leads onto another street which then leads onto a gravel path that winds its way to the park  
  
“I’ve never been this way before.” He tells me.  
  
“Most people don’t go down here; it’s kind of out of the way.”  
  
We walk past the children’s play equipment and down a hill to the clearest part of the park. Not a tree in sight, just fields, a nearby pond and -  
  
“The stars.” Cardan says, head tilted toward the clear night sky, dropping the multiple Target bags on the floor.  
  
I clear my throat awkwardly “Yeah.”  
  
I sit down on the cold but, thankfully, dry grass, folding my legs underneath me like a toddler. He joins me, sprawling on the ground like a dead man.   
  
I rip open a pack of Twizzlers, rip one apart with my teeth and offer him the bag. When he swallows his Adam’s apple becomes so pronounced – a whole performance. With a start I realise I’m staring and instead turn to the sky.  
  
It’s a good day for stargazing, no clouds but a frightfully bitter wind blowing from the north. The stars twinkle happily.  
  
“There’s Orion’s belt.” Cardan says suddenly, sticking his arm in the air ram-rod straight and pointing.  
  
“Where?”   
  
He points again. I follow where his hand is pointing and find the three little stars.  
  
“How’d you know that?” I move to lie down with him.  
  
“Balekin taught me.”   
  
Our hands are so close I could grasp his fingers. The red string is trailing from Cardan’s left hand and over his stomach to mine. I frown at it, a hazy memory struggling to the forefront of my mind. Me tugging on that string and Cardan stumbling forward.   
  
It could just be a coincidence but-  
  
I yank at it and his hand jerks toward me.   
  
Oh.  
  
He turns to look at me, and now his face is right next to mine. I can feel the hotness of his breath on my face.  
  
“What did you just do?” he asks disbelievingly.  
  
“I pulled on the string.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
There’s a sudden gust of wind that makes goosebumps ripple down my exposed arms.  
  
“You’re cold.”  
  
“No shit, Sherlock.”   
  
He moves his arm so its spread horizontally across from him.  
  
“Come here.”  
  
I can hear my heart thudding in my chest as I shuffle closer to him and his warmth. I lie my head on his arm and he brings his other hand to sit on my side. He’s so casual about it but my blood is roaring in my ears.  
  
My head is pressed so close to his chest that I can hear his heart beating quickly.  
  
I tilt my head up, almost head butting him. She’s looking down at me, lips slightly parted. Somehow, even his lips are smeared with leftover gold glitter.  
  
I am about to do something so inconceivably stupid that I wonder if I have a brain at all.  
  
I kiss him.  
  
He tastes like Twizzlers and strawberry chapstick. His lips move in synchronisation with mine, too hot and entirely _too much_.  
  
I’m kissing Cardan Greenbriar.   
  
Cardan Greenbriar is kissing me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have absolutely no idea what I'm even writing anymore. plot who? don't know her. i make this up as i go along. sorry, you want a planned out story and followable plot? should've gone somewhere else (please don't your validation means everything to me) i write this so i DONT have to plot like i do with my main wips


	8. Cardan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapters are going to be a bit more spaced out now as I have a lovely beta reader @thekellifish

She’s kissing me. _Jude Duarte is kissing me._  
  
I should pinch myself to see if I’m dreaming, but I don’t want to end this dream. She’s never done this before and her mouth is clumsy but I don’t care.  
  
Carefully and slowly I slide my hand down her waist and onto her hip. She breaks away, panting slightly.  
  
“Sorry,” I say “Was that-”  
  
“No.” She breathes, blowing onto my face “No, you’re fine.”  
  
Her eyes are wide and vulnerable. I’ve never seen her like this.   
  
She kisses me again, gentler this time, her lips soft on mine. I must be dreaming. I’ve had dreams like this before, with the slip of her mouth on mine, the taste of her cherry lip gloss and the feel of her hip under my hand.  
  
She is everything to me.  
  
Not that I’d ever tell her that.  
  
She hooks her ankle under mine, bringing us slightly closer, which I didn’t think was possible. We’re thigh to thigh, chest to chest, mouth to mouth. My hand is clutching at her hip and her hand is woven in my hair.  
  
She breaks away and _giggles_ in a way completely unlike her.  
  
“ We shouldn’t be doing this.” She says breathily, and then kisses me again, harder.  
  
___  
  
We’re walking hand in hand. We haven’t looked at each other in a while but there’s a blush on her cheeks and I expect on mine as well.   
  
The sun is rising slightly on the horizon. She stops outside her house, looking at the lightless windows worriedly.  
  
“I don’t think I’m going to be able to sneak back in.” She bites her lip and looks at the trellis..  
  
“To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how to help you with that.”  
  
She grimaces and puts one foot on the trellis, testing her weight. After it doesn’t collapse beneath her, she grabbed hold of it and hoists herself up about a foot.  
  
“Jude,” I say. “There’s a window open on the bottom floor.”  
  
“Oh.” Jude jumps to the ground with a dull thud, landing with her knees bent.  
  
She pulls at the window, which opens with a creek. She grimaces but sticks one leg through the window.   
  
“Take me to school tomorrow?” she asks.  
  
I startle. I didn’t think she’d want to be seen in public with me. “Sure.”  
  
And then, with a smile, she’s inside the house and pulling the window closed.  
  
I walk home in elated silence, still feeling her hand in mine and her lips moving against me.  
  
___  
  
That night I dream, again, of Jude Duarte.  
  
But this time, the dream doesn’t involve her dying. It involves her doing something very, _very_ different. Grinning seductively down from my lap, teeth scraping at my throat as she bites and kisses me there.  
  
Jude’s hot breath hits me in the face as her hands splay on my chest, jagged nails digging ever so slightly into my skin.  
  
My hands are tied behind my back but they itch to clamp onto her thighs, her waist, her hips and never let go.  
  
___  
  
When I wake, I change my bedding and pants quickly. Some things you just don’t want your older brother finding in your room.  
  
I shower and dress quickly, half to disguise the lingering smell of the night and half in the anticipation of walking Jude to school.  
  
I’m half out the door when Balekin stops me.  
  
He puts one hand on my shoulder and I flinch away.  
  
“You snuck out last night.”  
  
“I don’t think it counts as _sneaking out_ if I alert you beforehand.” I say, recovering my composure.  
  
He frowns “Who were you with?”  
  
“I don’t believe that concerns you.”  
  
I leave. My heart hums in my chest as I walk down the street, holding my jacket close over my chest to keep away the winter chill.  
  
There’s only a week and a half until the Christmas dance and I’ve been turning over the idea of asking Jude. Would she just laugh in my face and tell me to fuck off? Unlikely, as we made out in the park less than twelve hours ago.  
  
Jude is already waiting on the porch of her house when I round the corner, wearing a long, navy, Sherlock Holmes-style coat over an oxford shirt, unbuttoned to just above her breast, tucked into wide-legged black pants held up with a matching belt. She has on one of those chokers with a long chain that trailed down her chest. My eyes slipped down and followed it.  
  
“See something you like?” she asks jokingly   
  
“What if I do?” I say, hooking my arm through hers casually, but with great internal anxiety.  
  
“Then I’d tell you to keep your eyes to yourself.” she says, tightening her hand on my arm. My heart flutters.  
  
“My eyes are firmly diverted.” I say, keeping my eyes locked dead ahead.  
  
“Hey, uh, listen.” she says nervously. I turn to look at her, though she isn’t looking at me. “I was wondering if, uh, you’d want to go to the Christmas dance with me?”  
  
She’s hiding her face in her coat collar and blushing – though that could just be from the cold.  
  
“Um, yeah. Of course I will.” I stammer, completely taken off guard.   
  
She lets out a long, relieved sigh, which forms fog in the cool air.   
  
  
“Isn’t the guy supposed to ask the girl?” I ask, mildly joking, I had wanted to ask her, but here we were.   
  
We’re nearing the school and she unlaces her arm from mine.  
  
“Cardan, you’re wearing more make-up than me.”   
  
“I am not!” I swipe at the blush on her cheeks, which doesn’t smudge, because I guess she’s just naturally pretty. I mean, the winged eyeliner and teal eye shadow aren’t natural, but that’s not the point.  
  
“Besides, I kick gender roles in the ass.”  
  
“Yeah, kick ‘em in the ass, babe.”  
  
Jude stops dead and I flush. I really, really, _really_ shouldn’t have said that.  
  
“What did you say?” she asks curiously, one hand delicately laid on her chest.  
  
“Nothing. Don’t know what you mean. Didn’t say a thing. I don’t even have a voice.” I feel the heat of my blush crawling slowly up my neck.  
  
“Of course you didn’t.” she says in a pleasant but rather devious tone.  
  
We arrive at the school gates like two people who definitely did **not** walk here together, and just happened to have come across each other at the entrance to the school.  
  
“See you after school.” she says, sweeping forward soundlessly through the dry gravel “Babe.”


	9. Jude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finished reading vampire academy some of it made me UNCOMFY stop crushing on your older mentor

I ghost through the rest of the day, my mind buzzing with one word.  
  
 _Babe._

He hadn’t said it on purpose, I don’t think, but that didn’t change the fact that butterflies surged in my belly and my heart stuttered a few beats before picking back up.  
  
“Jude, you okay?” Garrett asks at lunch, halfway through stabbing a piece of lettuce.  
  
“I’m good.” I tell him, bringing my own fork to my mouth “Just, like, distracted.”  
  
“No shit.” Van says. He has his head in his hands, staring down at his notebook.  
  
“Whatcha doing?” I ask, eager to turn the subject away from myself.  
  
“I’m trying to brainstorm what to do about Lil and I’s anniversary. It’s the same day as the Christmas dance.”  
  
I already knew that, as he has repeated the date often enough that both Garrett and I have it ingrained in our minds.  
  
“Go stargazing.” I say through a mouthful of food, unable to help myself. My stomach flutters as I recall last night, kissing Cardan in the moonlight.  
  
His mouth twists to one side and he drums a ballpoint pen on the edge of the table.  
  
“I don’t know. Maybe she’d like to go to the dance?”  
  
“Would she really?”  
  
“No, she wouldn’t.”  
  
She isn’t here today, probably also busy planning an anniversary surprise, under the pretence of being on her period and unable to come out. I know she’s lying because we’ve been synced since 9th grade and I’m not due for a couple weeks.  
  
Van adds stargazing to the list after a few beats of silence.   
  
“What about something classic? Dinner and a movie.” Garrett suggests, leaning back in his chair.  
  
“We did that the other month.”  
  
“And? What, you can’t repeat dates?”  
  
“This is a special date.” Van says, sounding almost whiny.  
  
“I wouldn’t know.”  
  
I roll my eyes. “That’s because you don’t talk to girls, Gar. You’re like some sort of ghost.”  
  
“I do pride myself on my haunting skills.”  
  
“As you should.”  
  
___  
  
After school, I go dress shopping with Taryn, with Oriana playing chaperone and credit card. Taryn is both excited and dubious about me actually caring what I wear to dances.   
  
“I do care what I wear to dances, Taryn. I just don’t always buy new stuff.” I inform her.  
  
I pull a velvet green dress of the rack, study it for a second and then put it back.  
  
“You wore the same dress to the Valentine’s day dance and the Easter dance.” Taryn says  
  
“So?” I ask. “Pink works for both occasions.”  
  
She rolls her eyes but drops the subject. A minute later, she lets out a low whistle. “Jude, I think these are the ones.”  
  
“I swear to all that’s holy, if you try and make me wear green and you wear red and be matching opposites again-” I cut off my complaint as I take in the dresses.  
  
They are truly exquisite, one the same white as fresh fallen snow, embellished with silver stitching in the shape of snowflakes across the hem; the other the colour of blood on snow, with intricate gold patterns . The latter is considerably longer than the former, and has a bell sleeves and a slit up the side of the hem. The first dress falls to, on Taryn, mid thigh, with a sweetheart neckline and spaghetti straps.  
  
“They’ll look lovely on you two.” Oriana says from over our shoulders. “Go try them on.”  
  
Not needing anymore instruction, we did so. I took the red one and made my way to the rather lavish dressing rooms. Shucking off my clothes, I slid the smooth silky material over my body. It fit like a glove.  
  
Even with my hair in a messy ponytail, tangled from the brutal wind outside and basic make-up on, the dress is stunning on me, complimenting the hue of my skin and my hair. With the right shoes – maybe the knee-length boots I infrequently wore; thanks to the slit up to the top of my thigh- I could look absolutely glorious.  
  
I hoped Cardan would think so.  
  
A feather light knock sounds on the door.  
  
“Jude?” Oriana asks. “Are you finished? Come out and show us.”  
  
“Just give me a second!” I let down my hair and quickly run my fingers through it so it’s some semblance of neat.   
  
I step out of the dressing room.   
  
“Woah.” Taryn says.   
  
“Woah yourself.” Her dress shows off her legs, brushing her mid-thigh with every move she makes. It’s fitted so tightly to her that I could probably count each of her ribs. She has done the opposite of me, putting her hair up in a hasty bun, when it was down before.  
  
Oriana gives us both smiles and for a moment I think she doesn’t hate us “You two look lovely. We better get home soon.”  
  
I go back in the changing room, loathed to change out of the stunning dress, but doing so anyway.   
  
Oriana pays for both the dresses, along with a pair of glittery silver heels for Taryn and a gold, ruby-studded hair clip for me. She only looks mildly disproving at the price, which I count as a win.  
  
As we walk back to the car where Madoc and Oak are waiting, Taryn drops behind Oriana to talk to me in a low whisper.  
  
“I know why you’re going to the dance.” she says in a hushed tone.  
  
“And why’s that?” I arch my eyebrow.  
  
“Because you’re going with Cardan.”  
  
“I actually don’t know what to say to that.” Mainly because I’m too shocked to say anything else. Am I that bad at hiding my infatuation with him?  
  
“So it is true!”   
  
“I never said that!” I hiss.  
  
“Yes, but you didn’t deny it.”  
  
“Well, why are _you_ going?” I say defensively.  
  
“Because I want to.”  
  
“You don’t have a date? You seemepretty excited about it. You’re not usually that excited.”  
  
“I guess you’ll just have to see when we get there.”  
  
“I guess I will.”  
  
My phone pings. Taking it out, I notice who texted me. Cardan.  
  
“Ooh!” Taryn says, leaning her head close to mine so she can see my phone screen. “What did he say?”  
  
Grudgingly, I unlock my phone and open the messages app.  
  
 **When are u getting home? I wanna come throw rocks at ur window  
  
** “That’s like the only non-blunt text either of you have ever sent.” Taryn says, turning her eyes toward mine. “Also, why is he throwing rocks at your window?”  
  
“In retaliation, I suppose. I threw rocks at his window the other day.”  
  
Her eyes widen. “You did what?”  
  
“I said, I threw rocks at his window.”  
  
She swats me on the arm playfully “That’s kind of romanti-”  
  
“No. No it’s not.” I interrupt “It is absolutely not romantic. You finish that sentence and I’ll punch you so hard your nose concaves into your skull.”  
  
She grins as we approach the car, opening the door.  
  
“Sure, it’s definitely not romantic.”  
  
I scowl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all'll have to wait for the christmas dance we get cardan throwing rocks at her window instead


	10. Cardan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y'all are gonna hate me for this one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again my beta reading is being done by the lovely @thekellifish
> 
> TENDER ANGST TENDER ANGST TENDER ANGST  
> TENDER ANGST

I hear her family’s car pull into the driveway. It’s one of those massive, bulky ones that seats seven because apparently having three adopted children takes a toll on a man, and makes him buy ridiculous cars.  
  
Lurking around the corner, I listen to the slide of the seats being pushed forward, the opening and closing of doors and the rustling of plastic bags. They enter the house and slam the door.   
  
I wait for a few minutes before sneaking around to the back of her house and scooping up a handful of pebbles from her driveway. I throw one and it glances off her window. Honestly, I felt a bit stupid doing this. What was I, a 90’s cliché?  
  
She opens her window and leans halfway out, brown hair falling over her shoulders. I lift a hand and wave once.   
  
“I’ll be down in a second. I need to think of an excuse.”  
  
She slides the window closed. For I second, I’m just standing in her backyard. Then, she’s leaning out the window again.  
  
“Meet me down the road.” She hisses. I nod and walk away, careful not to pass by any of the windows.  
  
I lean against a lamp post and wait for her. I don’t even know why I did what I did. It’s not like I have a plan for what I’m going to do, or where I was going to take her.   
  
Jude walks down the sidewalk a few minutes later, hands stuffed in her jean pockets, wearing only jeans and a Marilyn Monroe t-shirt, despite the cold weather.  
  
“You must be freezing.” I say.   
  
She shrugs. With an eye roll, I shrug out of my denim jacket and hold it out to her without looking. She takes it.  
  
“Where are we going?” she asks.  
  
“My house.” I decide on the fly, finally turning to look at her. She’s wrapped my jacket around her shoulders like a cape, using one pale hand to keep it from flying off in the wind.  
  
“I’ve never been to your house before.” she says, obviously startled. We start walking.  
  
“Well I never.” I say drily. “I was under the impression you were over all the time.”  
  
“Shut up.” She punches my arm lightly.  
  
I press a hand over where she hit. “Ow! Why must you hurt me this way?” I joke  
  
“Coward.” She snickers  
  
“Unlike _some_ people, I refrain from insulting and physically harming people I make out with at night.”  
  
She blushes “But you didn’t stop insulting me before this-” She tugs on the red string connecting us and my hand automatically jerks toward her. “happened. Why? Why bully me?”  
  
The question frazzles my brain. “First of all, I’m sorry. It’s not an excuse, but I hated you because I wanted you. I wanted you so much that sometimes it hurt to look at you. I took it out of you, made it seem like I hated you so you would never know that I liked you. Most of all, I hated you because I thought of you. Often. I disgusted me but I couldn’t stop.”  
  
She continues to walk next to me in stunned silence.   
  
There’s a minute or so of silence, apart from the sounds of us walking.   
  
She puts one hand on my arm. “It’s kind of fucked up, but , in a way, I understand. That doesn’t mean I forgive you though.”  
  


“I don’t expect you to.”  
  
“Good.”  
  
We arrive at my house. I open the door for her and she sweeps in.   
  
“Dude, your house is massive.”  
  
“Thanks for telling me, I hadn’t realised before.”  
  
“Oh, fuck off.”   
  
I take her hand and lead her up the stairs and into my room. I sit down on the edge of my bed and she follows suit, eyes scanning my room.  
  
“It’s cleaner than I expected?” she phrases it like a question.  
  
I laugh. “What did you expect?”  
  
“I’m not sure.”  
  
I lie down on the plush duvet and close my eyes, thinking of what I told her earlier. A second later, she lies down too and takes my hand. Slowly, I circle my forefinger around the back of her hand.  
  
We lay there, not talking, listening to each other’s steady breathing for a while. Her fingers were constantly laced with mine. Occasionally, she’d squeeze my hand as if to reassure me she was still there.  
  
Internally, I wrestled with what I was trying to say to her. What would be her reaction? Did I really have the guts to do this?  
  
I cleared my throat and opened my eyes. At the sound, hers fluttered open too, staring expectantly at me.  
  
“I need to tell you something.” I say awkwardly.   
  
She nods. I disentangle our fingers.   
  
There’s no going back now.  
  
“Well, it might be better if I, like, showed you.” I tell her, now completely unconvinced of my ability to form the words.  
  
She sits up. “What is it, Cardan?”  
  
I also sit up, but move so my back is facing her. With slightly trembling fingers, I lift the hem of my t-shirt and pull it over my head in one quick movement. I curl my hands toward my chest.  
  
A small inhalation of breath is all I hear of her reaction. In a feather-light brush of skin on skin, her fingertips trace one of the arching scars that pattern my back. I shudder under her touch and my eyes sting with tears.  
  
No-one has touched me this gently in years.  
  
Her fingers come to a halt and splay on my back, her palm warm against my skin.  
  
“Who?” her voice is steely, a controlled calm ready to break.  
  
“Balekin.” I say, in barely more than a whisper.  
  
She moves so both her hands rest on my shoulders and in a touch so gentile I could be mistaken, she presses her lips to the start of one of my scars.  
  
“How long?” the little restraint she’s excising strains her voice.  
  
“Since I moved in.”  
  
Another press of her lips, to the end of a scar this time.   
  
“I’ll kill him.”  
  
I turn my head as much as I can. “Jude, he’s still my brother.”  
  
“He beats you!”  
  
“I deserve it.”  
  
She moves so quickly I almost don’t see her do it, but she’s straddling my lap, cupping my face in both hands. Not knowing what to do, my hands hover just over her thighs.  
  
“Shut up.” She says ferociously “Shut up. No matter what you do, how little you care, how cruel you are, no one deserves this.”  
  
Her wicked eyes are trained on mine, searching for something.  
  
“Jude-”  
  
“Say it. Say you don’t deserve this, Cardan.”  
  
I swallow the lump forming in my throat. Briefly, her eyes flash down to my Adams apple and back up to my eyes.  
  
“I don’t deserve this.” I hate how broken my voice sounds. I hate the way her body relaxes against mine when I say it. I hate myself for telling her. I hate how vulnerable I am.  
  
I close my eyes as to not look at her ferociously sad eyes. Lifting one hand from my cheek, she strokes her thumb across my eyelids.  
  
Part of me wants to never let her go.  
  
“I’m sorry Cardan.” She says softly, her breath blowing onto my face. She wraps her arms around me in a way that’s careful not to apply too much pressure on my back, but is tender all the same. “I’m so sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry? is that an appropriate response?
> 
> the christmas dance is next chapter i PROMISE


	11. Jude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited by @thekellifish

As I get ready for the dance I think about Cardan. More specifically, I think of his back, his beautiful skin marred by thin white scars, some more recent than others.  
  
Moreover, I think of the unending rage the sight brought me.  
  
There’s a knock on my door, and I smooth out my face before whoever is there enters. No one else needs to see my emotions.  
  
“Come in.” I call.  
  
Madoc pops his head around the door. “You ready? Your date is here.”  
  
The words seemed to be painful for him to say. Leaning close to my mirror, I take a brush and blend out my eye shadow some more.  
  
“Nearly.” I tell him. “Give me three minutes, tops.”  
  
He retreats. I uncap a tube of lipstick and swipe it across my lips, the same blood-on-snow shade as my dress. With one last look in the mirror and a sigh, I slip out of my room and down the stairs.  
  
It’s the second time I’ve seen Cardan, in all his other-worldly beauty, in the normalcy of my home, but the sight still unnerves me.  
  
Instead of being sat on the couch like last time, he’s leaning against the stair railing, absently picking at his nail polish.   
  
When I start descending, he looks up and sucks in a breath, smiling. Instead of his usual gold, his cheekbones are smeared with ice blue glitter, his eyeliner is smudgy and his hair carefully messy. He wears a deep black blazer over a white t-shirt and black jeans.   
  
I didn’t think anyone could pull that off. Of course he could. He was _perfect._  
  
He takes my hand as I come to a stop before him, bringing it to his mouth and kissing the back of it lightly. Right there, in front of Madoc and Oriana. The former of which looks absolutely murderous.  
  
My cheeks heat ,but I leave my hand in his. The red string connecting us is shining brightly where our hands meet, whatever that means.  
  
“Have fun.” Oriana says, eyes boring into my back. “You know what I’m going to say.”  
  
I wave a hand at her. “Yes, yes. You say it every time I go out.”  
  
She looks troubled. She probably should. Last time I went out, I got drugged at a party.  
  
Madoc’s eyes follow us as I pull Cardan toward the door. I don’t want to be under my “parents” watchful stare any longer.  
  
Outside, Balekin’s Mercedes, gleaming white in the winter sun, sits next to the sidewalk. There’s a major part of me revolted to be riding in the car of Cardan’s abuser.  
  
“I’ll be driving,” he clarifies “because last time you drove, you crashed into me.”  
  
The car doesn’t bare any trace of that crash, not a scratch on its perfect paint job. I almost want to crash into it again, just for fun.  
  
He opens the passenger seat door for me and I slide in. The seats are smooth leather and it smells like vanilla and tangerine, the latter of those smells emitting from the air freshener. Cardan gets in and revs the engine once.  
  
“That’s dramatic.” I roll my eyes  
  
“I am nothing if not dramatic.” He says, checking for oncoming traffic before reversing out of his parking spot.  
  
There’s a beat or two of silence while he manoeuvres   
  
“I like the dress.” he comments once we’re safely on our way to the school.   
  
“I’m not surprised.” I say, shifting so the slit up the side of my leg is more visible.   
  
His eyes flicker to it and then back to the road. His cheeks turn pink.   
  
“Taryn said she had a date too,” I say, just to fill the silence “but she left before I could see who it was.”  
  
His hands tighten on the steering wheel but he says nothing.  
  
“Do you know?”  
  
His mouth twists “I do.”  
  
“Are you going to tell me?”  
  
“I promised not to.”  
  
I slump in my seat. “God, that’s annoying.”  
  
He smiles. “I exist only to torment you, my dear.”  
  
“I can tell.” I say, my heart beating rapidly at the small term of endearment.  
  
When we pull up, we’re not the only ones with flashy cars. The parking lot is usually full of the fancy but not as expensive cars rich parents give their spoilt rotten kids.  
  
Cardan parks up next to a Chevrolet in a rather alarming shade of orange.   
  
“The school is going to freak out, you know.” I say before he opens his door, voicing a thought that has troubled me for a while.   
  
He lifts an eyebrow and gives a grin that could start fires “Let them.”  
  
He gets out and I leave the car as well, careful not to shut the door on my dress. My heeled boots click on the sidewalk as we walk toward the entrance to the school.  
  
We’re late and there are no other students at reception. The receptionist, a haughty woman named Asha, stares at us before giving us directions to the gym, which we follow.  
  
“I can still feel her eyes.” I whisper to him. He snickers and it echoes along the hallway. The closer we get the gym, the louder the cheesy Christmas music gets.  
  
I groan as a thought hits me. “You don’t expect me to dance, do you?”  
  
“You could just stick to your shadow skulking, but that wouldn’t be any fun.”  
  
“It would be fun for me.”  
  
“Shall I rephrase? It wouldn’t be any fun for me.”  
  
I kick him in the shin. He shuts up.  
  
He puts an arm around my shoulders before we go in, like it’s the most casual thing ever, which I pretend it is. I pretend it doesn’t make my heart skip a beat.  
  
At first, no one notices as we walk in, but then the whispers start, hushed at first, but growing louder and stopping conversations. Neither of us made a secret of our _distaste_ toward each other over the years of school, so this must be confusing for them. It’s confusing for me too.   
  
I let him guide me toward the refreshments table.  
  
“Drink?” his words set off everyone else, and the volume returns to normal.  
  
I take the drink he offers me and lean against the table.  
  
“That was the worst thing I have ever experienced.” I whine and take a swig of the drink, which tastes vaguely of cinnamon.  
  
He puts a hand on his chest in mock offence. “Being seen with me in public?”  
  
I elbow him in the ribs. “Being stared at, _asshole._ ”  
  
“I don’t know why people don’t stare at you more. You’re lovely to look at.”  
  
I blush and hide my face.  
  
“Shut up.”  
  
He laughs.  
  
Someone taps my arm.  
  
“You just keep getting yourself into these situations.” Van says, with barely masked glee.  
  
Garrett is stood behind him, Liliver by his side, holding his hand.  
  
“I wouldn’t class this as a situation.”  
  
“I certainly would.” Garrett tells me.  
  
I stick my tongue out at him “No one asked you.”  
  
“I asked myself.”  
  
“Maybe tell yourself to shut up.”  
  
He grins. Liliver grabs a hold of my arm. She’s dressed in ruffled green and, with her white hair and red accessories; she looks like a Christmas tree.  
  
“Why didn’t you tell me about this?” she demands  
  
“I forgot.” I tell her, which is true. I really didn’t think to inform my friends, even though I’ve been ditching them to hang out with Cardan.  
  
She’s momentarily distracted by something “Wow, Nicasia looks like she’s gonna kill you.”  
  
I follow her gaze. Sure enough, dancing with Locke, Nicasia is glaring at me, looking like she’s practicing telekinetic assassination.   
  
I smile and wave at her jokingly, and she turns her head.   
  
“Hey, Jude.” Taryn’s voice says. I turn back to our little group, to find Taryn lacing her arm through Garrets.   
  
My eyebrows shoot up in surprise, but mainly, I’m hurt because she didn’t tell me.  
  
“Dance with me?” Cardan asks. He must’ve sensed the tension and is now intervening.   
  
Shooting my sister a special Jude Duarte _I’ll kill you later_ glare, I let Cardan lead me under the strobing red, white and green lights.  
  
I don’t think what we did counts as dancing, per se, but I enjoyed it. We jumped and laughed and yelled Christmas songs that’ll be going ‘round my head for days on end.  
  
When I looked into his eyes I could see why that string had brought us together.


	12. Cardan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> christmas eve :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited by the ever lovely @thekellifish  
> ~  
> y'all think your safe now... ohoh you are not. Angst is coming. You have been warned  
> ~  
> not me regretting making these last few chapters christmas themed when it could've been halloween which is clearly the superior holiday.  
> ~  
> theres like three of y'all who're commenting on nearly every chapter and I - y'all make me so happy

Despite the way people reacted at the dance, the general population of the school got over Jude and I pretty quickly. They didn’t much care when I sat by her and her friends at lunch, Taryn occasionally joining us.   
  
“Secret Santa time!” Liliver exclaims, pulling a Santa hat out of her bag.  
  
Jude rolls her eyes and Garret audibly groans.  
  
“What’s so bad about secret Santa?”  
  
“Nothing.” Van answers me “These two just hate Christmas.”  
  
“I do not _hate_ Christmas.” Jude tells him “I hate the way capitalism influences Christmas.”  
  
“Make your own gifts then, Jude.” Taryn says

  
“I would if I could Taryn.”Jude slurps the rest of her drinks out of the juice her juice box and spears it on the end of her switchblade  
  
“Stop complaining and pick a name.” Liliver instructs, holding the Santa hat out to Jude. With a long, exaggerated eye roll, she rummages in the hat for longer than she needs to and plucks out a strip of folded paper.   
  
She unfolds it, scans her eyes across it and then tucks it in the breast pocket of her jacket.   
  
I am offered the hat next. I put my hand in, and pull out the first scrap of paper my fingers graze. I unfold it and read the name scrawled in messy handwriting  
  
 **Jude  
  
** I try not to exhale in relief. Jude is the only one here who I would really feel comfortable buying gifts for. I know her best, and I am mildly acquainted with her friends.  
  
I hide the slip of paper in my phone case, folded so no one could see the name through the clear back.  
  
The Santa hat is passed around until every slip of paper has found an owner. Liliver tucked it into her bag just as the bell signalling the start of our next class rings.  
  
As I get up, shoving my phone roughly into my back pocket. I feel someone’s gentle touch glance across my back.  
  
“There’s a twenty dollar cap,” she says “The gift exchange happens on Christmas Eve at Lili’s house. I’ll text you the address.”   
  
She walks into the corridor and joins the crowd, her shirt a spot of sapphire against the white walls. There’s one week until Christmas Eve, and today’s the last day of school, which gives me a bit more time to ponder what to get Jude.  
  
Is it legal to buy a switchblade in Maine? Maybe. I haven’t ever looked into it.   
  
I think it over for the rest of the day, driving home in preoccupied thought. When I finally have time to sit down with my laptop, Amazon open on the screen, I just drum my fingers uselessly against the space bar, not even sure what to search for.  
  
___  
  
“Merry Christmas!” Liliver yells as she throws open the door, immediately bedecking me in a crown made of fake white roses.  
  
“Uh, you too.” I say as I step inside her home. It’s like stepping into a sauna. There’s laughter echoing from the bowels of the house somewhere. I shrug off my jacket and drape it over my arm.  
  
“You’re late.” She chastises as she leads me further into the house, past an empty sitting room and through a kitchen, picking up a plate of mince pies.  
  
“Fashionably late, I hope.”

We come to a stop in a big room at the very back of the house, with a billiards table pushed to one corner, a heavy looking leather sofa in the other, a trashcan and various other clutter objects, including a dozen or so cushions strewn along the floor.  
  
Everyone else is also wearing faux-flower crowns of varying colours. Jude’s is made of black roses; Taryn in one of pink daisies; Garret wearing white daisies; Liliver with red pansies; and Van’s is made of green pansies.  
  
Jude is lying on her stomach on a make-shift bed made out of exclusively floral patterned cushions. When she sees me, she shifts over slightly and pats the space next to her. I throw my jacket on the floor, sit cross legged on the floor beside the cushions and lean so I am supported by them, with my head resting on the small of Jude’s back.   
  
“Now that everyone is here,” Liliver says, settling down while glaring at me. “It’s time for presents.”  
  
“Who’s first?” Van asks, twisting the handle of a gift bag around his nimble fingers.  
  
“Well, we’re all inherently selfish and indecisive, so I’ll use a random name generator.”  
  
There’s silence apart from Liliver’s nails clicking on her phone screen as she types. She’s dyed a few of her braids red so that her hair looks like a candy cane.  
  
She holds the phone out to the group and clicks the spin button on the little wheel. It lands on a yellow segment.  
  
Liliver turns the phone back to herself to read it “Taryn goes first.”  
  
Taryn reaches into her over-sized handbag and procures a medium-sized parcel, wrapped in sparkly wrapping paper. She hands it to me.  
  
“Merry Christmas.” she says, avoiding eye contact and reaching for a mince pie.   
  
“Thanks.”   
  
I unwrap it, balling up the paper and tossing it into the trashcan. It’s a hoodie, black and oversized with an embroidered snake around the neck. Laying on top of it is a collection of enamel pins, a dagger; a beetle; a rose.  
  
“No way that cost under twenty dollars.” Van says.  
  
“I sewed it myself.” Taryn tells him defensively. “Overall the pins and the hoodie were about fifteen dollars.”

Van holds his hands up in surrender.  
  
“Thanks.” I tell her again.  
  
“You should give yours.” she says “Like, the person who just got given a gift gives the next gift.”  
  
“Sounds like a plan.” I dig around my bag for Jude’s gift and hand it to her.  
  
She unwraps it quickly, and then holds the blade reverently between her fingers. It’s small and curved, when closed it looks like a leaf. She trails her fingers along the sharp edge.  
  
Van whistles. “What’s your excuse for this? That’s definitely not under twenty dollars.”  
  
I shrug, but it doesn’t really work because I’m still lying down. “I found it at my old house. I think it was my brothers.”  
  
“You stole it?”  
  
“No. It didn’t belong to anyone and now it belongs to Jude.”  
  
She pats my head, winding a strand of hair around her finger.  
  
We continue on, Jude gifting Liliver a set of lip-glosses and a box of hair dye.  
  
Liliver gives Garret a family bag of Cheetos and childish animal erasers.  
  
Garret gives Van a mini cactus and a lock picking kit.  
  
Van gives Taryn a box of chocolates and a yellow cushion.  
  
We sit and laugh for the rest of the evening, enveloped in the wafting scent of cinnamon and a nearby fire. I don’t see Liliver’s parents all night, but there are definite signs of them living in the house, discarded mugs and thick wads of paper with all sorts of legal looking text. There’s a mini Christmas tree in the corner, with homemade ornaments, one of which is shaped like a bomb. There’s a shelf lined with trophies and certificates with Liliver’s name on them.  
  
This must be what a loving family’s home looks like.


	13. Jude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> happy new years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again edited by the ever amazing @thekellifish !

“Please, Madoc?” Usually its below me to plead, especially to Madoc, but he is known to relinquish whatever opinion he has if both me and Taryn are pleading.   
I can see him wrestling with parental authority and the need to be seen as the cool dad.  
  
“Fine.” he snaps. “But you’re to come straight home, not stay over this time.”  
  
“Will do, General.” I say, throwing him a mock salute then rushing upstairs.  
  
We probably shouldn’t be going to _another_ party but its New Years so it’s like a God-given right to go to a party.   
  
I sift through my wardrobe, finding nothing to appease the idea in my mind of what I’d like to wear. I have only two ideals:   
  
One – It needs to work with a jacket because it’s like 23 degrees outside and I’d freeze if I don’t wear a jacket.  
  
Two – (Not that I’d ever admit this to a living person) I want to look _hot._ Not just good or pretty. Because for once, just once, I want to be the hot one when standing next to Cardan.  
  
Disgruntled, I stomp over to Taryn’s room. Without knocking, I burst in.   
  
“Have you got anything to wear?”   
  
“What’s wrong with your clothes?” she asks, but moves over to her wardrobe anyway.  
  
“Not good enough. To dark.”  
  
Her eyebrows shoot up. “You’re objecting to black clothes?”  
  
“It’s New Years, aren’t we supposed to wear something sparkly?”  
  
“I suppose.” She looks through a couple drawers, then goes back to the wardrobe. She holds out a dull gold top, one of those that drapes halfway down your chest and makes it almost impossible to wear a bra. _Almost._ I’d make it work.   
  
“Thanks, Taryn. You’re a life saver.”  
  
I rush back to my room and change quickly, throwing on a leather skirt and my knee high boots. Carefully, I scrape my hair back into a sleek ponytail.  
  
When I’m ready I rush downstairs, but I have to wait for Taryn. I flit from room to room, drinking water and wolfing down a granola bar in one bite.   
  
“You’ll freeze to death.” Oriana chastises me from where she waits with her keys in her hand.   
  
“Shoot, I forgot a jacket.”  
  
Wordlessly she unpegs a black blazer from the coat hooks and passes it to me. I sling it on. It has a satiny inside that slips against my bare arms.  
  
Taryn waltzes downstairs in an equally glittery but cobalt blue dress, with a jacket of the same colour over her shoulders.  
  
Oriana jingles her car keys. “Are you ready?”  
  
___  
  
Oriana drops us off a couple streets away from Locke’s house so we have to hike in our stupid shoes.  
  
The party is outside and already packed full of people. There’s a projection on the side of the house with a countdown to midnight.   
  
We’re greeted by Locke again, who hands us drinks. I raise it to my lips immediately, but think of the last time I was at Locke’s house and set it down on the first table I see.  
  
“There you are.” Murmurs a voice in my ear. I whirl around, hand flying to my bag and the blade inside it, but then I see who it is and relax. Cardan.  
  
“Oh, it’s you.”  
  
“Yes, it’s me. I was beginning to think you’d abandoned me.” He’s slurring his words.  
  
“How much have you had to drink, Cardan?” I ask, putting my hand over his cup to stop him taking another sip.  
  
“Not that much. Like one or two.”  
  
“Dude, the party started like half an hour ago.”  
  
“I was here before that.” Right, I forgot that Locke was his friend. They must’ve been hanging out before the party started.  
  
“No more drinking.” I tell him, unhooking the cup from his hand “I’m not kissing a drunk person at midnight.”  
  
“At least you’re planning on kissing me.”  
  
“Yeah, planning on it. Won’t do it if you’re still drinking.”  
  
“No kisses?” he asks sullenly.  
  
“Not for drunk people.” I set his cup down next to my own abandoned one.  
  
He puts a hand on my waist “You’re so pretty.”  
  
I turned my head away so he couldn’t see my blush, but, of course, he did anyway. He swept one long finger of my cheekbone.   
  
“Pretty.” He repeats, almost reverently.  
  
He kisses my cheekbone.  
  
“What are we, Jude?” he asks, grabbing my hand and spinning us in a small circle.  
  
“What?”  
  
“I can kiss you without a problem, but I can’t call you my girlfriend.”  
  
I raise my eyebrows.  
  
“Are you waiting for a formal invitation?” I ask.  
  
He just looks at me, eyes boring into mine. He spins us in a lazy circle, one hand in mine and the other on my waist, at a different tempo to the music.  
  
“Will you be my boyfriend, Cardan?”   
  
“I will.” he says wickedly, and kisses me.  
  
I really should have gotten used to him kissing me by now, but I don’t think I have. I don’t think I ever will. His hand curves around my waist and pulls me closer to him, the other one clasping my hand where they’re still interlocked. My free arm snakes up to hook onto his shoulder, my thumb rubbing soothing circles where I know there’s a scar. I can taste the vodka he’s been drinking.  
  
“Ew, PDA.” someone says, elbowing me sharply in the ribs.  
  
I break away from him to see who it is.  
  
“Oh, fuck off Locke.” Cardan says  
  
He’s holding two drinks and is taking alternate swigs from each of them. His red hair is messy, like he keeps running a hand through it.  
  
“Jude, did you know Cardan has been in l-”  
  
“Fuck off.” Cardan says, cutting off whatever Locke was about to say.  
  
“What I was going to say before I was so rudely interrupted,” Locke continues, sending a glare at Cardan. “Is – did you have any idea that Cardan has been in love with you for years? Since you transferred to the school, in fact?”  
  
“I did, actually but thanks for reminding me.” I say, remembering the conversation Cardan and I had before he showed me his scars.   
  
Cardan’s hand tightens at my waist as Locke leaves us, his face disappointed by the looks of it.   
  
I turn to Cardan. “Aww, you had a crush on me.”  
  
“We’re dating, Jude.” he says, pressing his forehead to mine.  
  
“All the same, that’s embarrassing.”  
  
“You didn’t think of me?”  
  
“Not even a little bit.” I lie. I did think about him, but not in a way I would classify as a ‘crush’.I thought of him more in a ‘fantasising about killing him’ kind of way.  
  
“Not even a little bit?”  
  
“Well,” I surrender. “Maybe just a little bit.”  
  
___  
  
“Ten!”  
  
Cardan grins down at me.  
  
“Nine!”  
  
I smile back at him.  
  
“Eight!”  
  
I slide a hand into his raven hair.  
  
“Seven!”  
  
He braces one hand on my hip.  
  
“Six!”  
  
We’re chest to chest.  
  
“Five!”  
  
My other hand cups the back of his neck.  
  
“Four!”  
  
He very gently tugs on the back of my ponytail.  
  
“Three!”  
  
I return the tug from where my hand is entwined in his hair  
  
“Two!”  
  
He presses our foreheads together.  
  
“One!”  
  
His breath blows onto my face.  
  
“Happy new year!”  
  
He kisses me passionately, hand roaming my hip. My fingers tighten in my hair and my other hand clutches onto his back. We’re completely curved around each other.  
  
In that moment, I don’t care about Locke, I don’t care about the fact that we’re surrounded my spectators.  
  
I care about him.


	14. Jude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not me having to write two jude chapters in a row because my beta @thekellifish reminded me about the new years episode after I sent her this chapter

I press my hands to my temples, unable to focus on the math textbook in front of me. My head is pounding.  
  
“Jude! Dinner time!” Oriana calls, too loudly, from downstairs.  
  
Relieved to be temporarily alleviated from the curse that is math homework, I kick away from my desk, cough into the crook of my arm and trot downstairs.  
  
The smells from the kitchen are overwhelming, thyme, rosemary and chicken. I cough into my arm again as I sit at the table, with Madoc to my left and Oak to my right. I gulp down some water and pick up my fork.  
  
The food _looks_ appetising but the churning feeling in my stomach doesn’t exactly welcome me to eat it.  
  
Slowly, I push a piece of chicken around my plate, my throbbing head glad that no-one was speaking.   
  
“Are you okay, Jude?” Madoc asks. I look at him and offer a weak smile.  
  
“Yeah I-” I pause to cough into the crook of my elbow again. “I’ve just got a headache.”  
  
He frowns and touches the back of his hand to my forehead “I think you’re sick. You need to rest.”  
  
“I’m fine.” I say, refusing to cough even with the dry scratch in the back of my throat.  
  
“Rest.” he commands.  
  
___  
  
The house is eerily quiet the next morning, without anyone in it. Madoc has gone to teach fencing, Taryn headed off to school after promising to make notes for me, and Oriana has taken Oak to kindergarten and is then going grocery shopping.   
  
To be entirely truthful, I don’t know what to do. My head still hurts, but maybe I could put on some TV on, with the volume down low. Like, really low.  
  
There’s a knock at the door. Groaning and sniffling, I drag myself out of my bed and immediately miss the warmth.  
  
I shiver as I walk to the front door, pausing to swig cough syrup straight from the bottle, my feet dragging and making no real effort to go anywhere quickly.  
  
I open the door and shiver again at the last January wind.  
  
“Are you okay?” Cardan asks. He has his hands shoved deep into his pockets and theres a pink flush to his cheeks and the tip of his nose.  
  
“Shit, Cardan, sorry I made you wait. I forgot to tell you I’m not coming in today.” My voice sounds nasal and weird  
  
He furrows his brow. “Are you ill?”  
  
“Duh.” I say, and then cough into my hand, for added effect.  
  
“Then I’m not going in either.”   
  
“Cardan, go to school.”  
  
“Nope. You can’t make me.” He says smugly, like the idea amuses him. “Can I come in?”  
  
I look at him suspiciously for a while. Ok, I admit, I just wanted to look at him, at the way his ears are tipped with pink from the cold, at the little jewelled earrings dangled from the shell. The sheer stark contrast of his dark hair and eyes to the paleness of his skin. The way his eyelashes cast small shadows across his high cheekbones, across the highlighter there.  
  
“Fine.” I sigh eventually, and step back and allow him in. I shiver again when I close the door.  
  
He frowns at me “You’re cold.”  
  
I shrug. “I’ll be fine.”  
  
He looked at me for a minute. I felt scrutinised under his ink drop gaze. After a while of our staring contest, he wrestled his sweatshirt over his head, which pulled his t-shirt up as well, showing a glimpse of his pale stomach.  
  
He offered me his sweatshirt, smirking at my gaze still lingering at the thin strip of skin.  
  
I take it off him, my face heating as he pulls his shirt down.  
  
“Come on.” he says “Let’s get you a blanket. I’ll make you some hot chocolate and we can watch a movie.”  
  
I try to complain but he pushes me toward the couch. I dig my heels into the rug and resist against his hand.  
  
“Stop being difficult.” he says  
  
The cough syrup seems to have muddled my brain, the filter I keep over my thoughts ripped away. In hindsight, I really should’ve measured how much to take.  
  
“Make me.”  
  
He arches one eyebrow in challenge and I return his look. Without warning, he quickly bends down, hooks one arm around the back of my knees, the other arm braces on my back and before I know it, he’s carrying me bridal style toward the couch.  
  
“Cardan!” I shriek. “Put me down!”  
  
He tightens his grip, fingertips digging into my thigh. “You told me to make you.”  
  
“I didn’t mean literally, and you knew that.” I cross my arms. His sweater is still balled in my hand.  
  
He settles me on the couch with a gentleness I didn’t expect. He snags a blanket from the other couch and throws it over me.

“Stay.” he warns “I’m going to make us some hot chocolate.”  
  
“You don’t know where it is.”   
  
“I can figure it out.” He shoots me one last _stay_ look and retreats to the kitchen.   
  
I shoot a dirty look to his back and flop down on the couch impertinently. Even with the blanket, it’s cold. With only semi-reluctance, I sit up again and slip his sweatshirt over my head. It’s too big for me, but soft and it smells like him, like vanilla and citrus and _him._  
  
Cardan clatters back in a minute or so later, opening the door with his elbow and carefully not spilling the mugs of hot chocolate. He sets them both down on coasters.  
  
“Alright, shove up.” he says. “I wanna sit down.”  
  
“There’s a whole other sofa.”  
  
He rolls his eyes. “Move, Jude.”  
  
Grudgingly, I shove myself down the sofa. He sits at the end then grabs me under my arms and pulls me back up the couch so my head is resting on his lap.   
  
“Now I can’t get to my hot chocolate.” I whine.  
  
He leans forward, burying my head in his chest for a second until he pulls back, holding the two mugs, one of which is my personal favourite, with the quote _“Mortals are fragile”_ which insinuates I am not one myself.  
  
Before he hands me the mug, I scoot into a more upright position, still leaning on him. He raises an eyebrow.  
  
“You’re warm.” I clarify.  
  
“Just don’t infect me.”  
  
“I think it’s too late for that.” I say as he hands me my cup. I stare for a second at the slowly melting white cloud on top. “I didn’t know we had marshmallows.”  
  
“Well, you did. Right at the back of the cupboard next to the fridge.”  
  
“Huh.”  
  
He raises the TV remote and clicks it, switching to Netflix.  
  
“What do you want to watch?”  
  
I bring my knees up to my chest and take a sip of the hot chocolate, which burns my tongue.   
  
“We can watch anything. As long as it’s not too loud. I have a headache.”  
  
“Alright. How about The Breakfast Club? It’s a fairly easy watch.”  
  
I stare at him in disbelief “You watch 80’s comedies?”  
  
“It’s a good film.” he defends.  
  
I just shake my head “Put it on, idiot.”   
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm a sucker for the caring for the other while they're sick trope


	15. Cardan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta read by @thekellifish  
> ~  
> this is very probably the most risque this will ever get but if y'all want ACTUAL smut you can tell me in the comments  
> ~  
> my complaints about not reading enough in the end notes

Jude throws her pen down and watches it bounce of her history notebook and thud onto the carpet.  
  
“I don’t want to do this.”  
  
“You’ve said.” I tell her drily.   
  
“I’m so tired! I got, like, a maximum of two hours sleep last night and spaced on the fact we have a history test.”  
  
“I don’t even want to know what you were doing up so late at night.” I say, turning my head back to my book so she can’t see me blush. What _I_ though she did late at night was probably not the truth.  
  
“For your information,” she says, lobbing her pen at me this time. “I was watching Coraline.”  
  
“Last time I checked, Coraline wasn’t seven hours long.”  
  
“Yeah, well, I had other things to do as well.” She says it in an offhand way which makes me look at her and the deep blush staining her cheeks.   
  
“Apparently revising for your history test wasn’t one of them.”  
  
She glares at me but has apparently run out of things to throw. She could throw her book at me but I’m not going to mention that to her.  
  
“My point _is,_ I’m tired and history is making me fall asleep.”  
  
I pat the space beside me on the bed and shuffle up so there’s more room. “Take a nap.”  
  
“I won’t be able to sleep while you’re still working.” she complains, but stands and flops down on the bed anyway.  
  
“Then I won’t work either.” In one large swoop of my hand, I push all my notes and pens off the bed, letting them thud to the floor and then lie down next to Jude.   
  
She’s wearing the sweater I gave her the other week. The sleeves are too long for her so her fingers are entirely obscured.  
  
I look at the ceiling, very aware of how close we are. Haltingly, almost cautiously, she hooks her ankle over mine.  
  
I need to relax my muscles. Her ankle on mine _really_ isn’t a big deal but I can’t hear myself think over the pounding of my heart.  
  
Jesus, I sound like a fifth grader.  
  
Without looking, I brush my hand against hers. She grabs mine in a steel grip.  
  
“Fucking commit to it.”   
  
I laugh. “Sorry.”  
  
Her fingers are warm in mine and the sleeve of her –my- sweater is trapped between our thumbs. I turn my head and look in her eyes.  
  
A moment, some understanding, passes between us. She scoots closer until she’s pressed against me, turning so that she’s facing the opposite wall. I copy her position, curved around her, our ankles overlapping.  
  
Her hair is tickling my nose, so I brush it over her shoulder. Where my fingers caress the back of her neck goosebumps erupt.  
  
I nestle my head into the back of her neck and I hear her quiet, but very audible, intake of breath. Her hand reaches back to rest it on my thigh. Slowly, I snake my arm around her waist and draw her closer to me.  
  
We lie there, until we both fall asleep.  
  
___  
  
I dream what I have done almost every day since the first time.  
  
I dream of Jude and her eyes as sharp as daggers, straddling my legs with a wicked curl to her mouth. I dream of my own heart thundering as she nips and sucks at the skin of my neck. I dream of the harsh scrape of her unevenly bitten nails as she rakes them down my chest. I dream of the rough texture of rope binding my wrists behind me. I dream of the softness of her thighs, her lips.  
  
I dream of something very familiar.  
  
___  
  
When I wake up, I’m acutely aware of everything in the room. Most of all, I’m aware of the gentle rise and fall of Jude’s chest as she sleeps in my arms. I’m also aware of how close I am pressed against her and the effect my dream had on my body.  
  
Today was not a good day to dream that way.  
  
I’m about to get up to get rid of the, ah, problem in the bathroom when she adjusts herself, pressing herself further into me.  
  
Groggily, she says. “Cardan?”  
  
For a moment, I’m too stunned to speak.   
  
“I, uh, just need to use the bathroom.” I tell her, my voice thick.  
  
She notes this as her eyes sweep across my face and travel down. Embarrassed, she turns her head away but not before I see the dark blush spread across her cheeks.  
  
I get up quickly, hiding myself from her, my own face hot with shame.   
  
“Cardan-”Jude says so quietly I barely hear her. “Did you dream of me?”  
  
I can’t meet her eyes. “Yes.”  
  
___  
  
She’s asleep again when I leave the bathroom, legs tucked close to her chest and breath steady.  
  
When I lie back down, after turning off the lights, I don’t lie next to her. My face is still hot and I don’t want a repeat. I lie on my back, the furthest I could possibly be from her and stare at the slowly revolving ceiling fan.  
  
“You don’t need to be ashamed.”  
  
Not asleep, then.  
  
“Cardan, it’s a perfectly normal thing.”  
  
“I know it’s just-” I sigh, struggling for the words. “It’s just, you were right there, and you’re wearing my sweater and then I dreamt-” My throat becomes thick again. “You’re so overwhelming, Jude. You’re a fire that I keep burning in. No, scrap that, you’re a pool that I could leave anytime, but I keep drowning in you.”  
  
She doesn’t speak, so I continue on.  
  
“I used to watch you when I knew you couldn’t see me, you know. You were so different and new. At first I thought it was just _because_ you were new, but here we are. I’ve been infatuated with you since the moment I laid eyes on you.”  
  
“How do you know that it still isn’t just because I’m different?” she asks.   
  
“Remember eighth grade? When you held that switchblade to Valerian’s throat?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Well, I knew it wasn’t the ‘new girl’ thing when I felt _jealous_ because of that.”  
  
She snorts “That made you jealous? Do you want me to hold my knife to your throat?”  
  
I have to pull my legs up to my chest as my pants tighten at the images that brings to my mind. “Don’t say that.”  
  
She doesn’t speak, perhaps she’s contemplating how messed up it is that I‘m _turned on_ by the thought of her threatening my life.  
  
She rustles about for a second before I hear the faint _shing_ of her switchblade and see the glint of metal in the darkness out of the corner of my eye.   
  
“You cruel woman.”  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK SO- its the 11th and I've only read 2 books and I'm barely half way through the third. I think it's because I'm reading thrillers and I always take my time reading those but I always read a lot each month - even last month I read 8 books and that was the first month back at school. Maybe it's because I'm currently self isolating because of a covid case? WIsh I'd read more but there here we are. I'm writing this instead of reading because I'm a dumb bitch


	16. Jude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i dont even know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta read (twice) by @thekellifish  
> ~  
> i don't even know what I'm doing in this AU anymore. if you have suggestion or requests of what you want to happen leave em in the comment

For the next week there’s one image continuously flashing through my mind. Cardan, his pupils blown wide with lust, his cheeks bright red and his eyes looking at me with both shame and reverence.  
  
It’s a tad embarrassing that I keep thinking of it. He clearly doesn’t want me to.  
  
There’s something else that I keep remembering, his half-strangled words: _don’t say that._ When he said that, something dangerous and sadistic stirred in the pit of my stomach, something that made me get my blade out.  
  
We haven’t talked since then and, truthfully, I think I’ve been avoiding him. I don’t particularly want to face him after that – not because I was particularly grossed out about it or anything, he just looked so embarrassed. I don’t think I could look at him without seeing his expression from that day.   
  
My phone buzzes, distracting me from my reverie, bringing me back to earth. I pick it up and scroll through my messages.  
  
 **Lili: Hey Jude, have you told Cardan about 90s night? It’s tonight.**  
  
 _Shit_. I’d completely forgotten about 90’s Night, an annual tradition, of which we, as a friend group, had twelve. This was January’s. I’d been too busy thinking about Cardan last week. I click on his name and shoot him a quick text, to which he immediately responds.  
  
 **Me: Hey, Cardan, it’s 90s night tonight at Garret’s  
  
Cardan: whats 90s night  
  
Me: something we do every year, where we dress up as 90s characters and watch shitty 90s movies.  
  
Cardan: so i need a costume  
  
Me: not really. Most guys in 90s films just wore jeans and t-shirts  
  
Cardan: who r u going as  
  
Cardan: so we can match  
  
Me: I think i’m stealing Taryn’s blazer and being cher from clueless because i was nancy from the craft last year  
  
Cardan: so I need to be Paul rudd?  
  
Me: You’ve watched clueless???  
  
Cardan: it’s a good movie  
  
Me: thats like the weirdest thing I know about you.  
  
Cardan: shut up  
  
Cardan: see u at the party  
  
Jude: it’s not a party but ok  
  
**I throw my phone down on my bed and creep over to Taryn’s room and knock on her door.  
  
“Jude?” she asks, which I take as my cue to enter.   
  
She’s wearing a pink dress and is currently curling her hair into tight coils.  
  
“Hey can I borrow that chequered yellow blazer?”  
  
“Oh, are you being the girl from Clueless?” she asks, setting her curling iron down and heading to her wardrobe.  
  
“Yeah.”   
  
She fishes it out and throws it to me. I catch it.  
  
“Thanks.” I look at her pink dress “Who’re you being?”  
  
“The girl from Never Been Kissed, at the end when she gets kissed.”  
  
I frown “I didn’t think her hair was curly.”  
  
“It’s not, but it’s short and this is the easiest way to make my hair look shorter.”  
  
“Cool.” I back out of her room and return to my own. I scavenge around my sock draw for white knee-highs and my yellow chequered skirt. It’s not the same colour as the blazer but it’ll do. I don’t have a yellow vest so just the white shirt will have to do. I find a long forgotten white bag at the back of my closet and chuck stuff in it – my phone, switchblades, purse, a few DVDs in case we can’t find them on Netflix and Cardan’s sweater, among other things.  
  
I straighten my hair before I leave, grabbing a pack of hot Cheetos on my way out. As I make my way to Garrett’s, a small but modern house on the outskirts of town, I only get heckled once, which is worse than no times but better than other years.  
  
I knock once on Garret’s door then step backwards. The door swings outwards.  
  
“Sup.” he greets. He’s wearing a blue flannel shirt under a jean jacket which, in turn, is under a sleeveless orange puffer jacket.  
  
“Marty.” I say “I thought back to the future was 80s.”  
  
“The first two were, the third one came out 1990.” He steps back from the doorway to allow me in.  
  
“And you know this because...?”  
  
“Research, Cher, research. Where’s Taryn?”  
  
“She’s on her way. Wasn’t ready when I left the house.”  
  
We walk upstairs into the guest bedroom. There’s a sofa bed, pulled out into the bed form. Liliver and Cardan are already sitting there, talking quietly. They stop talking when they see me. I narrow my eyes at them and kick at Lili’s shins until she moves.  
  
“Shove up, losers. And stop talking about me.”

Neither of them deny it.  
  
For a second, Liliver, trapped between Cardan and me, pointedly looks at both of us. I fight the need to shrink back from her accusing stare.  
  
“Garret wants to start watching the movies chronologically.” she tells me.  
  
“What? No. We start from best to worst so we can pay less attention to the bad films.”  
  
Garrett crosses his arms and shifts soundless from foot to foot. “What would you class as a bad film then, Jude?”  
  
“Well, first of all, Back to the Future 3. Bad film. They didn’t need to make three films.”  
  
“It’s a good film.”  
  
“It’s really not.” I snap, not really knowing why.   
  
He narrows his eyes at me and I glare back. There’s absolute silence as I stare him down, no one even breathing. There’s a knock on the door and Garrett finally breaks eye contact.  
  
“You win.” he grumbles, and then strides off to answer the door.  
  
“That was intense.” Cardan comments.   
  
I nod, not quite able to meet his eyes.  
  
“What is going on between you two?” Liliver snaps, drawing my attention to her. She’s intermittently glaring at both of us.   
  
“Nothing.” I tell her through clenched teeth. Cardan is staring at the ceiling.  
  
“Alright, that’s it!” she says, crawling over my lap and pushing me to where she was previously sitting. Arm to arm with Cardan. “I’m staging an intervention right now. Tell me what happened.”  
  
Petulantly, I cross my arms and don’t look her in the eyes.  
  
“Someone tell me what’s going on before I torture it out of you.”  
  
Reluctantly, and with a heated face, I tell her. She looks like she’s trying not to laugh.  
  
She works to smooth out her expression before speaking. “Well, to be honest, it just sounds like y’all need to fuck.”  
  
I can feel my face getting hotter. “Lili!”  
  
Cardan makes a noise halfway between a cough and a laugh. “I don’t think that’s the solution to all our problems.”  
  
“Maybe not,” she shrugs “but it’s certainly the solution to one.”  
  
She turns to me. “And you. You’re sexually frustrated and it’s making you a massive bitch. Kiss and make up, you two. But not here.”  
  
I scowl and look at the floor, my face red.  
  
“Uh, what’s going on here?” Van asks from the doorway, eyes flicking from my red face to Liliver smirking to Cardan adamantly looking away from both of us.  
  
“Nothing.” I say too quickly.  
  
Taryn and Garrett join him at the doorway, both assessing our faces.  
  
“What are we starting with, then?” Garret asks. I shoot him a grateful look.  
  
“Clueless.” I declare, gesturing to mine and Cardan’s outfits.  
  
“I should’ve seen that one coming.” He says, going to sit cross legged on the floor.  
  
“It’s, like, the Shakespeare of shitty 90s rom-coms.”  
  
Taryn rolls her eyes but sits besides Garrett, curling into his side. This leaves a tiny space on the sofa bed for Van.  
  
“Shift.” Liliver commands, squeezing further into my side. Cardan’s warm hands wrap around my waist and pull me onto his lap.   
  
For a second I sit ramrod straight. Liliver grins wickedly at me. Van finds the TV remote, switches over to Netflix.  
  
 _It’s not a big deal_ , I tell myself, trying to relax all my muscles.   
  
I settle into Cardan as Van switches on the movie, letting his steady heartbeat calm me down.


	17. Cardan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta read by @thekellifish  
> ~  
> rereading son of neptune i love this book and percy

I’m terrified that I’ve scared her off.  
  
She’s barely looked at me this past week, avoiding eye contact and only half-heartedly responding to my texts.  
  
She doesn’t _look_ mad at me, from where she’s curled against my chest. Her eyes are half-open and trained on the screen, her hair keeps brushing against my earlobe.   
  
We’re watching Father of the Bride and she keeps muttering comments about how unrealistic it is into my ear. One of her fingers is running up and down my forearm.   
  
She shifts, leaning farther into me. I drop my chin onto her head and keep my eyes on the TV.  
  
___  
  
“Jude.” I whisper, poking her gently in the side.  
  
She grumbles something that sounds like “go away.”  
  
“Jude it’s time to leave.”  
  
“Noooooo...” she groans, snaring her arms around my neck.  
  
Pleadingly, I cast a glance around the room. Everyone avoids my gaze. I sigh and tuck one hand under the crook of Jude’s knees and ensnare the other around her waist. With great effort, I struggle to my feet, Jude weighing me down.   
  
Liliver slings Jude’s bag over my free wrist as I walk out the front door.  
  
It’s chilly, late in the January evening with wind whistling through my hair and along my bare arms.  
  
“Jude, I’m going to take you home.”  
  
“No.” she mutters against my chest. “Take me to Vivi’s.”  
  
“Where is that?”   
  
She tells me the address.  
  
“That would take forever to walk there.” I tell her. “We’re going taking my car.”  
  
Retrieving the car would mean walking past Balekin. Which is not exactly ideal since he’d been a volatile mood this morning but...  
  
“I don’t want to deal with Madoc.”  
  


I nod even though she can’t see me, resigning myself.  
  
“God, you’re a nightmare sometimes.” I complain as I start to walk. I’m not exactly what you’d call ‘muscled’. That’s because I have virtually none. Muscle, that is.  
  
“You love me.” she says with a yawn.  
  
“I do.” I admit, then pretend like I didn’t.  
  
___  
  
Walking three blocks in the cold, holding a very tired girl whilst simultaneously trying not to fall over was not my ideal night. Yet, maybe it was, since Jude is tucked into my neck tightly.  
  
“I just need to get my car keys.” I say quietly, setting her on one of the old sun loungers on the porch.  
  
“Why do you even have sun loungers? You’re like, so pale.” she grumbles, shifting into a sitting position.  
  
“First of all, rude.”  
  
“Yeah, but am I wrong?”  
  
“Just be quiet. I’ll be as quick as I can.”  
  
She shuts up, and I open the door slowly, praying to God it doesn’t creak. I close it behind me, just in case. After scanning the key hooks I curse myself silently. They’re not there. They must still be in the jeans I was wearing yesterday. Or someone took them.  
  
“Cardan.” Balekin barks. I turn on my heel to face him and my heart beats so fast I can feel it in every part of my body. He’s already got the belt out, not even bothering with pretence this time.  
  
“Balekin.” I say lazily. “May I ascertain the whereabouts of my keys?”  
  
He reaches into the back pocket of his pants and pulls them out. My house key glints in the entry light.  
  
“Some quite nice key chains here, Cardan.” He says casually, gesturing with the hand still holding the belt to the two keychains – a white rose from the flower crown Liliver gave me tied on there with piece of string; and the dagger pin gifted to me by Taryn, fashioned into a keychain by a helpful servant. It reminds me of Jude.  
  
“There they are.” I hold out my hand. Like he’d ever actually give them to me.  
  
“Take your shirt off.” He tells me instead. “And I know you have your pretty little girlfriend out there, so let’s keep this quiet.”  
  
Suppressing a shiver, I quickly take my shirt off and kneel on the ground, bracing my arms across my chest.   
  
He lashes. The sound of leather hitting skin is deafening in the silence. He hit me harder than he usually would, I can already feel the blood trickling down my back in warm streams.  
  
Again. He is not nearly as eager with his lashes when he’s angry, either at me or the world. He drags it out.  
  
Again.  
  
Again.  
  
Again.  
  
“It pains me, brother, to see you like this.” Balekin says, doing a great imitation of a caring older brother. He tosses my shirt at my back, but it’s white and the blood is already seeping through onto the cloth.  
  
He drops my keys next to me.  
  
“Go see your girlfriend. Stay overnight. I don’t want to see your face.”  
  
Breathe. In and out. In and out. I’m under control. Jude’s bag is still on my arm and my sweatshirt is inside. Ideally, I’d like to let her keep it, but this is what I like to call a bit of a fucking crisis.  
  
I pull my shirt, and then the sweatshirt over my head. I pick up my keys. Robotically, I get to my feet, check my hair and face in a nearby mirror and stride outside, my nervous smile already in place.  
  
Jude is seething. Gone is her lazy, sleepy self and out is Jude the Destroyer. Her hands are fisted at her sides, fingernails digging into her palm. There’s fury in her eyes, beautiful, world-ending fury.  
  
Wordlessly, she stands and strides to the car, holding out her palm.  
  
“Jude?”  
  
“You’re not driving with your back like that.”  
  
I fight the urge to physically recoil from her words. She knows. She knew before but now she _knows_.  
  
“Cardan.” She speaks softly, putting a hand on my shoulder gingerly. With slightly trembling fingers, I drop my keys into her palm. She stands on her tiptoes and places a gentle kiss on my cheek.  
  
“Let’s go to your sisters.” I say  
  
She gets into the driver’s seat and I slip into the passenger side, leaning forward. I can feel the wounds stretching, but it’s better than having my back pressed against the soft but now too abrasive leather.  
  
Jude speeds down the road, taking sharp turns, her hand so tight on the wheel that her knuckles have turned white.   
  
“Damn,” I say. “Now I know why you crashed into my car.”  
  
Her eyes flick to the red string and back to the road again.  
  
Truthfully, I haven’t thought much about the string. Sometimes it’s there and sometimes it’s not. Who cares? It’s there when I want it to be, reminding me of her. I don’t want some string to tell me whether or not I’m in love with Jude. I know I am.   
  
Jude pulls into a visitor space outside a tall block of apartments. It’s a horrible parking job but she doesn’t seem to care. She watches me worriedly as I get out of the car.  
  
“Honestly, Jude, I’m not going to drop dead.”  
  
“I’m not taking your word for it.”  
  
She presses the buzzer and a soft, annoyed voice grumbles _Hello?  
  
_ “Heather? It’s Jude.”  
  
There’s a miniscule click as the door unlocks. She continues to watch me as we ascend the stairs, hand hovering protectively over mine. She raps on the door three times and a pink haired girl opens it. I mean, I’m no expert, but this very clearly isn’t Jude’s sister.  
  
“Vivi’s just waking up.” the girl says, rubbing one hand over her eye. Ah, this must be Heather from the buzzer downstairs. “What’s up? I’m not saying I mind you coming over at midnight, but I really mind.”  
  
I snort. She looks at me like she has just noticed I’m here.   
  
Heather’s brows pull together. “Who’s this?”  
  
“Heather, this is Cardan. Cardan, Heather.”  
  
“It’s a pleasure.” I say.  
  
The tension between Heather’s eyebrows dissolves. “Ohhh, soulmate Cardan?”  
  
I look at Jude. “Have you just gone around telling everyone?”  
  
“No!” she snaps “I only told Taryn, and only because she guessed.”  
  
“And Taryn told Vivi, and Vivi told me.” Heather supplies, holding the door open for us to step into the apartment.  
  
We do step inside. It’s a quaint little place with a lot of houseplants and throw cushions.  
  
“So, what do you need? Because I’m guessing it’s not just to visit us.”  
  
“You got any bandages?”


	18. Cardan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hurt/comfort chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited by @thekellifish  
> ~  
> I did two cardan chapters in a row just to make the pattern the same as before

“What do you need bandages for?” Heather asked, while leading us into the living room anyway. It’s small and cramped, with a little kitchen off the side.  
  
Jude meets my eyes and asks a silent question. Can she tell Heather?  
  
“Well,” I say drily, sparing her from the explanation. “My brother has good aim with a belt.”  
  
Heather looks at me, confused for a minute, then her eyes widen.  
  
“Shit-”  
  
She turns to a cupboard and rummages for a second before producing a thick wad of unused bandages. Jude sits on the sofa.  
  
“Lie down.” She instructs. “And, uh, take of your shirt.”  
  
I do, wincing once when the cloth peels away from the wounds. Behind me, I hear Heather gasp in horror. I lie on my stomach, my head on Jude’s lap.  
  
“Heather, can you get me a cloth and a bowl of water?”  
  
Heather makes a small noise of confirmation and I hear her footsteps fall away, then the sound of running water hitting ceramic.   
  
Jude brushes my hair out of my face.  
  
“Thank you.” I say. She pats my head.  
  
“I’ll get you out of there.” She tells me in a hushed tone. “As soon as I can. I promise.”  
  
Heather clatters back in and sets a wide ceramic bowl on the end table next to Jude.  
  
Heather sits down on an armchair and Jude dunks a cloth into water and rings it out. One cold wet hand pulls my skin taught from the back of my neck.  
  
I shudder when Jude first presses the cloth to my back.  
  
“Sorry.” She murmurs.   
  
We sit in silence, the only noise the gentle brush of wet cotton against my skin, and occasionally the splash of water as Jude cleans the cloth.  
  
My hand grips her leg as she cleans the cuts, ridding them of the fabric suck in them. The cloth feels too abrasive against the tender flesh of the wounds.  
  
“Ok, done. With the cleaning.” She says after a while. “Heather, can I have a towel?”  
  
“Yeah, just give me a sec.” Heather bustles off again.  
  
“Jude?” A new voice asks, Vivienne, probably. If it isn’t, they have a serious problem with people breaking into their apartment. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but what are you and a random shirtless guy doing on my couch?”  
  
“I’m cleaning Cardan’s wounds.” Jude calmly says.  
  
“Thanks for being cryptic.” Vivienne says. “What’d’ya do? Knife him up?”  
  
“No, I didn’t.”  
  
Heather returns, holding a towel stained with hair dye. She offers it to Jude who gently dabs at my back for a moment.   
  
Vivi draws Heather into the kitchen and they speak in hushed voices.   
  
Jude sets down the towel.  
  
“Ok, I need you to sit up so I can put the bandages on.” She says.  
  
Trying not to wince, I do as she says.  
  
Her cool, still slightly damp hands skim over my back to wrap the bandage around me. She does this quickly and silently until all the back wounds are covered.   
  
“Vivi?” Jude calls. Vivienne pops her head round the corner.  
  
“What’s up?” Her eyes flicker to my mummified back and then away again.  
  
“Can we stay over tonight?”  
  
“Sure. You can use the sofa bed in Heather’s office.”  
  
“Thanks.”  
  
Jude stands and offers me a hand. I take it and heave myself to my feet. She leads me to a room smaller than the first one. She tugs out a sofa bed and pulls a few pillows and a blanket out of the cupboard.   
  
We stand there awkwardly for a minute before she takes my hand and drags me down. I land on my side, which is miles better than landing on my back, but I still shift so I’m lying on my stomach.  
  
Heaving a big sigh, I rest my head on her chest. Her idle fingers drag through my hair.  
  
I close my eyes.   
  
“I forgot to turn the lights off.” she groans, moving out from underneath me so that my head falls on the pillow.  
  
“Hey!” I complain. She starts walking to the other side to the room but stops as I we both feel a tightening around our left ring fingers.  
  
Experimentally, Jude lifts her hand to her face. The string tightens a little bit more.  
  
“I think,” she says curiously “the string wants us to stay together.”  
  
Grumbling, I drag myself up and over to Jude until the string loosens to a comfortable degree around my finger. Together, we walk the few paces to the lightswitch. Jude turns off the light and together we stumble back to the makeshift bed. She pulls me down and I land on top of her this time.  
  
She groans. “Dude you are so heavy.”  
  
“Did you just call me dude? I’m your boyfriend.” I ask, though I don’t really care what she calls me  
  
“I called you dude in like, a romantic way.”  
  
I’m too lazy and in pain to move from where I am, chin resting on her bellybutton, looking her in the eyes, my thighs locked with her knees, one leg draping off the couch.  
  
“You know,” she says conversationally, “we’re going to need to get you more clothes. I don’t think you should be going anywhere in a bloody t-shirt. It might attract attention.”  
  
“What would the world think of me, wearing two-day old jeans as well.”  
  
“You’ve practically gone insane.” She smiles and it’s like the world tipped on its head. It always is. “Speaking of which, you aren’t actually going to sleep in jeans, are you?”  
  
“I make regular practice of sleeping in various states of dress and undress.” I say.  
  
“That must be so uncomfortable.” she says judgementally.  
  
“Not everyone has the privilege of comfort, Jude.”  
  
“You live in a _mansion.”_   
  
“I said some people. Not me. I can afford comfort, I choose not to be comfortable.” I say.  
  
We stare into each other’s eyes for a long second. Jude raises her left hand and gestures vaguely with it.  
  
“We need to do something about this, you realise.” she says, in reference to the string.  
  
I sigh. “Where do you propose we do said something?”  
  
“The library. We need to figure out a way to make it stop doing the thing- we can’t be together constantly.”  
  
“I’d like to be.”  
  
“That’s so cheesy.” she complains, but leans forward to kiss me anyway.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao not y'all telling me all the ways to murder Balekin in the comments


	19. Jude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta-d by @thekelliish  
> ~  
> i do have an idea of whats to come now so thats fun

The room is sweltering when we wake up. It’s still winter, but apparently no one told Vivi and Heather that.   
  
Cardan is still asleep, using my stomach as a pillow, which is fair, since I’m using him as a blanket. His long body is still half falling off the sofa, but his torso is covering my thighs.  
  
“Hey shit head.” I say affectionately, tapping the side of his face.  
  
“Fuck off.” He groans and pushes his cheek further into my stomach.  
  
“Get off me, you weigh more than a dead man.” I poke him again  
  
“Maybe I’ve been dead this whole time.” he grumbles, but shifts so I can get free.  
  
When I sit up, he wraps his arms around my waist.  
  
“That defeats the purpose of moving, you realise.” I tell him, but I don’t mind. Not really.  
  
“Don’t care.”  
  
Carefully, I unpeel his fingers from around my middle.  
  
“You need a new shirt.” I say, appraising the bandages. There are a few spots of blood here and there but otherwise there doesn’t look to be too much damage.  
  
“If you find one, let me know.”  
  
I yank hard on the red string and he topples off the couch. “Hurry up, slowpoke.”  
  
“I hate you.”  
  
He gets to his feet and I find myself staring at him. Even with the bandages mummifying his torso, he’s beautiful, all pale skin and paler scars.   
  
He raises an eyebrow. “You done staring?”  
  
I feel myself blush. “Shut up.”  
  
We walk into the kitchen/living/dining room to find Heather and Vivi already awake, watching TV. Heather is reclined in a half-sitting, half-lying down position, bare feet in Vivi’s lap and a bowl of cereal balanced on her chest.  
  
Vivi looks up as we enter, her face splitting into a cat-like smile. “Look who’s finally awake.”  
  
I scowl at her and she gestures to the kitchen, indicating that we can help ourselves to breakfast.  
  
After a few minutes of rummaging through Vivi and Heather’s virtually empty cupboards, we find a half-empty pack of bagels and stick them in the toaster.  
  
I pull out my phone while we eat, quickly texting Taryn to leave me some warm clothes and a shirt that Cardan could wear on the front porch for me. She read the message but didn’t reply.   
  
Sighing, I set my phone on the table, screen up.  
  
“I texted Taryn. We can both get changed in the library bathroom.”  
  
“Because you look like you stepped out a 90’s movie.”  
  
“Exactly.”  
  
“What’re you two going to the library for?” Vivi asks from behind us, setting Heather’s cereal bowl beside the sink.   
  
“Reasons.” I tell her, pushing my now empty plate to join it.   
  
“God, you’re so vague.” She complains  
  
“I try my hardest.” I hug her, and whisper into her ear. “I need to talk to you.”  
___  
  
Taryn did lay out clothes. Without walking in front of the windows, Cardan and I pick them up and sneak back to the car. In the car we examine the clothes.  
  
Taryn didn’t get me shoes, but she did give me some leggings, an oversized hoodie and a t-shirt. She also laid out what appears to be one of Madoc’s old t-shirts for Cardan.  
  
I look at it distastefully but hand it to Cardan anyway.   
  
___  
  
The nearest public library is the Norridgewock, just off of Mercer road. We pull into the virtually empty parking lot. It’s a cold day and I keep running my hands over my forearms for the warmth.  
  
Luckily, the library has central heating. We both quickly change in the bathrooms before emerging. Cardan throws his bloodied, balled up t-shirt in the nearest trashcan. I want to fish it out and burn it. I want to smother Balekin to death with it. I also want to pull myself together.  
  
“Where should we start?” Cardan asks, putting one hand on my arm.  
  
“No idea.” I admit. “Maybe we should ask a librarian.”  
  
And so we do. Approaching the front desk, I smile at the woman behind it.  
  
“Can I help you?” she asks. She can’t be more than three years older than myself, with long blonde hair tied back into a ponytail.  
  
“Hi, we’re looking for information on soulmates.”  
  
Her eyes dart between us then she smiles widely. She rifles through paper for a second, then hands us a map.  
  
She circles a place in neon yellow highlighter. “You’ll be needing to go up to the second floor, past the history section and then through a door on your left.”  
  
I thank her and we follow her instructions, footsteps too loud in the deserted space – even with the carpeted floor.  
  
The room the librarian pointed out to us is only small, with a single desk set in the middle, surrounded by wall height bookshelves teeming with abused books. The only sources of light is a flickering overhead fluorescent bulb and the winter sunlight streaming through a small window.  
  
“Right.” Cardan says, turning to the first bookshelf. “We better get to work.”  
  
___  
  
“Hey, this is interesting.” Cardan says, beckoning me over with his finger. I look over his shoulder and read the passage he’s pointing to.  
  
 _If the soulmate bond is made visible through drawn blood, it will pull the two together when they are in need. This could be when one is in pain – physically or mentally – or when one is longing for the other. The only ways to pause the bond keeping them together are to be together always, or live in close proximity to each other for elongated periods of time, so the bond becomes used to the presence of the two soulmates together.  
  
_ “That sounds an awful lot like moving in together.” I say, looking up at him.  
  
“Do you have any objection to that?”  
  
“We’re not even out of high school.” I argue.  
  
He raises an eyebrow. “We’re both eighteen.”  
  
“Where would we even move?” I ask, though I already have a place in mind.  
  
“Does it matter?”  
  
“I’d say it does, yeah.”  
  
“We both still live with guardians.”  
  
“How old was Vivienne when she moved in with Heather?” He presses, closing the book and setting it on the desk.  
  
“Eighteen but-”  
  
“I’m starting to think you just don’t want to move in with me.”  
  
I glare at him, but only half-heartedly. “God, you’d be a fucking nightmare.”  
  
“Says you.”  
  
Petulantly, I stick my tongue out at him. “Go fuck yourself.”  
  
“Fuck me yourself, coward.”


	20. Cardan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta-d by @thekellifish  
> ~  
> is this later than usual? no idea. if so, I had like 3 tests the past couple days so thats wild

“I’m no coward.” Jude says testily, crossing her arms.  
  
I smirk at her and perch at the very edge of the desk. “Oh yeah?”  
  
“Yeah.”   
  
“What’re you going to do about it?” I ask. This is dangerous, so very dangerous.  
  
She doesn’t answer, but even in the bad lighting I can watch her pupils dilate, only a thin ring of her warm honey irises left.  
  
Haltingly, she takes the few steps it takes to get to me and lays one hand on my thigh. I look down at her and ask a silent question. _Are you okay with this?  
  
_ Her eyes, the pupils blown wide, answer. _I’m not sure  
  
_ Matching her steady pace, I put one hand on her hip. I can feel her muscles tense and then relax. Something changes in her face, now steely and bold. There’s a light in her eyes that I don’t know, but I have to say, I like it nonetheless.   
  
She kisses me hungry and deep, scuffing my lip across her teeth. I kiss her back, all too pleased with the little nips she gives to my bottom lip. Rather, I’m all too pleased with this side of Jude.  
  
Her hand, the one on my thigh, trails slow, agonising lines up and down. Her other hand snakes up my back, the flesh there erupting in goosebumps as her still cold hands brush against the knobs of my spine.  
  
She breaks away from the kiss, panting, and so I dive and hungrily kiss at her jaw, not lingering on one spot enough for it to form a hickey. My hands push her sweater up so a strip of her stomach is bare.  
  
She makes a small noise, a keening whine in the back of her throat. If anything, it encourages me to continue, so I move upwards and kiss along her cheekbones, my teeth grazing her ear as I pass by it. Her hands fist under my t-shirt, her knuckles pressing deep into my back.  
  
Automatically, forgetting that this is Jude and not some nameless, faceless girl, my hands reach up to unclasp her bra.  
  
“Cardan.” She chokes out.  
  
I withdraw my hands immediately. “Sorry.”  
  
“No, I’m fine.”   
  
Her eyes are alight with manic energy.   
  
“We can stop if you want.”  
  
She struggles with the next words she says, visibly so. “Not – not all the way. I liked before. The kissing.”  
  
If her face wasn’t red before, it definitely is now.  
  
“Thank god,” I say like a smartass. “I thought you meant you wanted to go back to reading again.”  
  
“Shut up.” she says, then kisses me again.  
  
I don’t think, no matter how many times she does it, I’ll ever get used to her kissing me so casually. Like the world isn’t about to implode. For me, being with her, it always is.  
  
___  
  
We sit in the car, flushed and awkward.  
  
Carefully, Jude says “I have an idea.”  
  
“Oh? Pray tell.”  
  
“I’m not – this is so awkward, ok, so I’m not exactly ready to uh, go all the way yet.”  
  
“That’s perfectly fine.” I say.  
  
“But, um, I had an idea about that.”  
  
“You’ve said.”  
  
She flushes. “You’re not making this easier.”  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
“Ok, well my idea is that, uh, every date we have, we spend a little bit of time going... further.” Her face is bright red. I would enjoy the sight if my heart weren’t hammering at a million beats per minute. “So, like, building up to it.”  
  
We’ve arrived at her house but I don’t think she’s noticed yet. “Well that sounds beneficial for both parties.”  
  
“Stop making fun of me.”  
  
I try to stop smiling but I can’t, I’m nervous. “Your fault for brokering a deal surrounding sex.”  
  
She finally looks around and sees that we’ve been sitting outside her house for a while. “Yes or no?”  
  
“Yes, of course.” I lean over and kiss her cheek.  
  
She gets out of the car and enters her house with a final wave.  
  
___  
  
Balekin isn’t home, which is a fact I’m extremely grateful for. The first thing I do in my room is discard the t-shirt I’m wearing and find another one. I’m not particularly in love with the idea of wearing Jude’s father’s shirt.  
  
I grab my laptop and settle onto my bed, waiting while it slowly opens.  
  
My phone pings.  
  
Hoping its Jude, I pick it up, but it’s just Nicasia, asking about my status for Valentine’s Day. Rolling my eyes, I tell her that I’m not going to the school dance, and that I’ll probably be doing something with Jude.  
  
I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve been slacking off being with my other friends to hang out with Jude, but it’s been nice, almost relieving, to not have to put up that front of not caring about anything. As a general rule, I didn’t much care about anyone, but I cared about _her._  
  
My laptop finally finishes loading and I open the internet and start browsing nearby apartments. I’ve still got most of my inheritance, so I needn’t worry about pricing.  
  
There’s a large apartment with a lake view, but it’s too far away. It’s practically in New York.  
  
___  
  
I’ve been browsing a while, when I finally find the perfect place. A two bedroom, old but fairly nice looking apartment, close to important places like Walmart and Burger King.  
  
I pick up my phone again and text Jude.  
  
 **Cardan: hey remember when we talked about moving in??  
  
Jude: no  
  
Jude: jokes ok yeah go on  
  
Cardan: I found a really good listing and there are chances for us to see it soon.  
  
Cardan: [one image attached]  
  
Jude: it looks like a good place but it’s so expensive  
  
Cardan: yeah but like im kinda rich babe  
  
Jude: true  
  
Cardan: so I can book us a time to go visit??  
  
Jude: I suppose you can.  
  
Cardan: (:  
  
**I set my phone down and contact a realtor. Even if this isn’t the apartment that we’ll get, the thought of moving in with Jude gives me warm, fuzzy feelings.  
  
Once the message is sent, I cick over to a separate tab and start on my hunt for rings.


	21. Jude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a tiny glimpse of what sophie could've had if she didn't become Sophie Stone Pockets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta read by @thekellifish  
> ~  
> also i published chapter 20 on the 20th of october lmao

“Dad?” I ask. He knows something’s up, if he didn’t already  
  
“Jude?”  
  
“I’m moving out.” I say before I can stop myself.  
  
His smile drops and his eyebrows furrow. “Where? With whom?”  
  
“I don’t know yet, but I’m moving in with... Cardan.”  
  
I wait for his outrage, but he just seems resigned.  
  
“I did tell you to marry a rich man.”  
  
I splutter. “Cardan and I are not getting _married._ And, I’m not with him for his money.”  
  


I’m not about to tell Madoc that I found my soulmate. For one, it would be mildly embarrassing, and for another it’s none of his business.  
  
“Fine. I won’t pretend to know your motives, just be sure tell me when your leaving.”  
  
I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. That’s the best response I’m going to get.  
  
___  
  
Cardan and a middle aged lady with auburn hair, who introduces herself as Lauren, meet me in a parking lot. I should specify that this is the parking lot of the building we’re looking into.   
  
Lauren greets me with a wave and an over-the-top smile.   
  
“You must be Jude! Great, we’re all here!” she says cheerily, producing a key and a large binder out her large handbag.  
  
“Cardan tells me it’s your first time buying! I think this is a perfect place for a lovely couple such as yourself, especially given your budget.” Lauren had a very annoying way of speaking, punctuating the end of each of her sentences with an inflection, like the sorority girls you saw on TV.  
  
“Look, lady, I don’t want you overcharging us here ‘cause we’re young. Got it?” I snap, already annoyed with her bubbly demeanour. Its nine in the morning for Christ’s sake.  
  
“Jude,” Cardan gently chides. “Play nice.”  
  
I give him a coy smile. “That’s not what you said last night.”  
  
He turns beet red. In truth, _he_ didn’t say anything of the sort last night, but _dream Cardan_ on the other hand...  
  
Lauren hums happily and swats the comment away as she leads us up a few flights of stairs. “Now, the elevator is broken but it’s due to get repaired any day now.”  
  
She jangles the keys all too noisily as she opens a door marked **3b.** Irrationally, I feel the incredibly aggressive need to dim her mood in some way. Kicking her would probably do it. Cardan puts a hand on the small of my back.  
  
I want to shrug his hand off.   
  
I don’t.  
  
Lauren steps aside once the door opens to let us in. Cardan guides me through the door then drops his hand from my back.  
  
I take in the apartment for a second, with his high ceilings and long windows. All the doors appear to be real oak. There’s a balcony jutting off to the left, past the kitchen and through a set of French doors.   
  
Cardan looks at me.   
  
I look at him.  
  
There’s a silent communication.  
  
I turn to Lauren. “We’ll be wanting to see other spaces, but we really like this one.”  
  
___  
  
None of the other properties were as good as the first.  
  
The day after we’d seen the first, Lauren took us to a one-bedroom apartment with a serious roach problem. Cardan had looked on in distaste as I squished one underneath the heel of my boot.  
  
The next had lacked any central heating – which was a must if I wanted to survive the rest of a Maine winter with all my toes.  
  
The last one had been way over budget and so large that I wouldn’t even be able to consider what to do with the space. Taryn would probably know. Too bad I wasn’t going to tell her.  
  
Now, Lauren leads us back into the first building, up through the now repaired elevator and back towards the first apartment. Our soon-to-be apartment  
“Can you just wait for a minute please?” A delicate voice asks from down the hallway. A girl – no older than me I should think – with light blonde hair, pushing a baby stroller holds her free hand up in a _stop_ gesture  
  
She makes her way up to us and grins at me. I raise my eyebrows.  
  
“Hi, I’m Sophie. I live right across the hall with my wife Fand. I hope you enjoy it here!” The baby in her stroller starts squawking. “This is Mable, my little girl. Terribly sorry, but she needs feeding.”  
  
We stand back as she manoeuvres the stroller through her door. She takes her keys from between where she’d clenched them in her teeth and smiles at me again. “I hope you like the apartment!”  
  
Lauren, her bright voice a little bit false now, ushers us into the apartment. It’s just as breathtaking the second time around.  
  
Instead of standing in the front room like before, Cardan and I investigate everything. I mean, like, _everything._ We look in every kitchen cabinet; under the empty bedframes; in the built-in closets in the master bedroom; the old plant pots on the balcony.  
  
Finally satisfied, I hold Cardan’s hand and turn toward Lauren, who’s been standing by the door this whole time.  
  
“We’ll take it.”  
  
___  
  
Lauren’s office is one of many in one of those really ugly modern buildings you see in the city. She bustles around for a few minutes, collecting papers and the like. For the first time, her smile seems real.  
  
Cardan’s hand is still gripping mine under the table.  
  
I don’t know how, but this all happened so quick. It’s been six months and we’re already moving in with each other.  
  
As if he could sense my panic, Cardan squeezes my hand reassuringly, once, then smoothes his thumb up and down the back of my hand.  
  
I breath out quietly in one long exhale before looking into his dark, dark eyes. This is the man I’m meant to be with. Fuck what the string says, I love him, and I don’t think I could love anyone else.  
  
___  
  
“Congratulations to us.” he says as we walk out onto the highstreet.  
  
“Indeed.”  
  
“Shall we celebrate?” There’s something wicked in his eye, a cruel glint I’ve not seen in a while.  
  
“That depends,” I say, returning his bored and uninterested tone. “What do you have in mind?”  
  
His hand slips from mine and up over my wrist, fingers pushing up underneath the sleeve of my shirt.  
  
“Wait until we get home.” I chastise.  
  
 _Home, home, home, home._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes sophie's wife is fand they're lesbians because I'm a lesbian and I said so


	22. Cardan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh my god they were roommates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta read and edited by @thekellifish !!  
> ~  
> there aren't going to be chapters at the same frequency for like a week because my bedroom is getting repainted and all my stuff has to move out, including my PC :(

My room is empty, devoid of any and all personality, left with only the skeletal remains of my ten years living here.   
  
All my possessions are packed in boxes, my clothes in suitcases, and all are shoved in the back of my car.   
  
Balekin seems happy to see me go, though not as happy at the idea of my moving in with Jude, who he refers to only as “trouble”.   
  
I don’t say goodbye to him before I leave, I just get in my car and plug my phone into the aux cord. The drive isn’t the shortest and I need music to silence my over-eager thoughts.  
  
As I drive off, I raise my middle finger in farewell.  
  
___  
  
Vivienne’s car sits as close to the door as you could possibly get. Standing next to it, sweat sticking pink hair to her forehead and her hands on her hips, is Heather. She’s staring morosely at the trunk full of cardboard boxes.  
  
I get out of my car, and she looks at me and waves once, before putting her hand on her hip again.  
  
“Where’s Jude?” I ask, opening my car trunk.   
  
“She was bringing some stuff upstairs with Vivi.” Heather groans and takes another box into her arms before kicking the door open.  
  
I follow her lead and hoist a box out of the trunk of my car, balancing it on my hip and half-jogging to meet Heather at the door. I press the elevator button and we travel up together in silence.  
  
When we step out onto the landing and realise there are way more people than there are supposed to be. There are also more doors open.  
  
“Cardan!” Jude says, emerging from the door to our place. “You remember Sophie?”  
  
I think of the happy blonde woman. “Vaguely.”  
  
“Well, she and her wife are helping us move in.”  
  
At that, another woman walks out the door opposite to us. To say she didn’t look like her wife would be an understatement. This woman is tall, where her wife is short. Her hair has an undercut and is dyed a blue brighter than the sky, with just the hint of dark roots growing out.  
  
I turn to Heather. “Look, you can be coloured hair buddies.”  
  
“Be quiet.” Heather grumbles and walks into the apartment with a groan.  
  
The woman walks over to me and takes the box from my hands with surprising ease. She has tattoos of swords on the backs of both her hands. I think Jude would like tattoos like those. I’ll have to ask her about it later.  
  
“I’m Fand.” The blue-haired woman says. She tosses her hair over one shoulder as she hoists the box into her arms, revealing an ear clustered with piercings.  
  
“Cardan.”   
  
Fand strolls back into our apartment and Jude goes to join her. They both re-emerge a minute later and take the elevator back down with me.  
  
___  
  
“I hope you guys settle in well.” Sophie tells us. She’s standing in the doorway, head resting on Fand’s shoulder.  
  
“We’ll try our hardest.” Jude says. “Thanks again for helping.” She rests a hand on one of the many boxes.  
  
“Bye.” Fand says, waving and closing the door behind her and Sophie.  
  
I turn to Jude. “We just might have a bit of unpacking to do.”  
  
“But first...” She moves to run a hand up my arm. “I think I promised you a celebration when we got home.”  
  
My fingers curl into her hip. “I do believe you did.”  
  
___  
  
Jude pulls her shirt back over her head. I pout.  
  
“Shut up.” she says, throwing the nearest object at me. It happens to be a pillow which I easily catch and set down again.  
  
“Society has evolved past the need for shirts.” I say, getting to my feet.   
  
I catch sight of myself in a nearby mirror. My lips are swollen and stained with the remnants of Jude’s lipstick and my face is flushed. There are angry red lines on my chest where she raked her nails across my skin, time after time just to see how I shuddered beneath her. What a cruel, delightful woman.  
  
“Society needs to devolve, it’s cold and I want a shirt.”  
  
“Shirts are overrated.”  
  
“Just put a shirt on, Cardan.” she says, throwing my t-shirt at my back. “And stop staring at yourself in the mirror.”  
  
“But I’m just so shockingly attractive.”  
  
She snorts but doesn’t say anything.  
  
We get to unpacking, placing what we can where we can because we have absolutely no furniture apart from a collapsible chair and a bare mattress lying on the carpeted floor.  
  
“We need to go to IKEA.” She sighs, looking at all the boxes we can’t unpack yet.  
  
I check my watch. “We could get dinner while we’re there.”  
  
“Great. Get your car, loser.”  
  
___  
  
“Okay, what do we need?” Jude asks, leaning lazily on the cart as she pushes it across a maze-like corridor.  
  
“Like, everything.” I say, brushing my hand over some scented candles then moving on.  
  
She rolls her eyes. “No shit, Sherlock. I meant, more specifically, what are the essentials.”  
  
I chew on my lip for a second. “Well, a bed frame would be nice. Probably a couch, a dining table. Chairs.”  
  
Jude sharply turns the shopping cart after it catches her shirt. The movement pulls down the neckline and reveals the small, mouth shaped hickey staining her collarbone.  
  
She catches me watching and glares. “That’s your fault.”  
  
“I was just admiring my work.”  
  
She kicks me in the shin. “Shut up.”  
  
I grin.  
  
“Wait,” I say, changing the subject. “We made a list before we left.”  
  
I pull my phone out of my pocket. My eye catches on something on the screen, the date, displayed in the top centre. _February 14 th. _ Valentine’s day.  
  
Before Jude can notice anything weird, I unlock my phone using my fingerprint and find the list we made.  
  
“Attention, lady and no-one else. We are in need of,” I pause for dramatic effect. Jude lifts one eyebrow. “Two couches and possibly an armchair, preferably red or black; a coffee table; two nightstands which match the bed frame; a bed frame.”  
  
“None of this is gonna fit in your car.”  
  
“I guess we’ll just have to walk home with it then.”  
  
“You can carry it, I’ll take the car.”  
  
“The last time you drove you crashed into me.”  
  
“That was one time!”  
  
“Well that time hurt my feelings quite a bit, thank you.”  
  
“Would you have preferred for me to have _not_ hit you with Vivi’s car?”  
  
I look down at my left hand. The string there isn’t always as noticeable, faded sometimes and completely disappeared another. Right now, it’s shimmering in and out of existence, a dull light red.  
  
“No, I don’t think I would.” I say at last, the box in my jacket pocket feeling very heavy all of a sudden.


	23. Jude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SMUT SMUT SMUT SMUT  
> some major plot points but like most of it is just smut sorry

The IKEA restaurant is closed for whatever reason, so we stop at a McDonald’s on the way home.  
  
We eat in the car, listening to the radio, with our multiple purchases in the back of the car. A very big part of me is dreading having to assemble the furniture. Actually, that’s the biggest part of me. I hate IKEA furniture instructions.   
  
Cardan hasn’t said anything for a while. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he was nervous. His eyes keep darting between me and the park nearby. He’s smiling, but not in a happy way. It’s the smile he always gave me before the whole soulmates thing happened. A cruel twist of his lip, more sneer than smile.  
  
I look away from him, following his gaze to the park. I don’t exactly have many good experiences with that smile. The sun is setting, throwing pink streaks across the cloud veiled sky. It’s later than I thought because _Leslie_ from _sales_ wouldn’t take us seriously.   
  
When we’re both finished with our meals, we stuff the boxes into the bag, then Cardan throws it in the bin. He cleans his fingers on a napkin and then chucks that away as well.   
  
“Walk with me?” He asks.  
  
“Sure.” I say, though I’m not entirely sure why we’re walking when we’ve got a car full of furniture that desperately needs putting together.   
  
When we both get out of the car, he offers me his hand. I take it and he twines our fingers together.   
  
Halfway across the road, ask. “Why are you smiling?” _  
  
_He glances at me and continues to walk. “I smile when I’m nervous.”  
  
“Why are you nervous?”  
  
We’ve reached the other side of the road and now he’s leading me through the park gate and past the kids playground equipment.  
  
“You’ll see.”  
  
“Way to be cryptic.” I roll me eyes.  
  
He looks down at me and smiles – a genuine smile not a sneer. “I learned from the best.”  
  
I elbow him in the ribs.   
  
We walk down to a grassy knoll. There’s barely anybody about, which isn’t surprising since it’s like seven on a Sunday night. The only people we pass is a smoking teen, a couple of old ladies and kids playing on the roundabout.

  
Cardan stops me by a glittering lake(not like its hard, there are lakes _everywhere_ in Maine). His fingers are trembling.   
  
Gently, I cup my hand to his face. “What’s wrong, love?”  
  
His eyes soften. He reaches into the pocket of his jacket and produces a little velvet box.  
  
Oh.  
  
 _oh.  
  
_ My stomach does a sickening twist.   
  
He doesn’t get down on one knee. (He knows I would’ve hated it if he made a show out of this) He presses his forehead against mine.  
  
My heart is beating so fast I wouldn’t be surprised if he could hear it.  
  
“Jude,” his breath blows across my skin as he talks. “Will you marry me?”  
  
I can’t speak. There’s a lump in my throat and tears are stinging my eyes.   
  
“Yes.” I choke out.  
  
His mouth blooms into a smile. He opens the box with a clunk and slips the ring onto my finger. I meets no interference, no coarse string.  
  
My tears spill over. I’m smiling like a lunatic and looking into his dark, dark eyes.   
  
With the gentleness in which one might handle something breakable, he kisses each of the tears from my cheeks.  
  
I laugh, and move my head to direct his path to my lips. He smiles into the kiss and wraps his arms around me, holding me flush against him.  
  
I’m still crying when he pulls away. Why? Because I’m a pathetic nightmare who got engaged before I even left highschool. This is seriously some _Twilight_ shit.   
  
But fuck anyone who says that because _Cardan Greenbriar_ asked me to marry him and I couldn’t be happier.   
  
I can’t stop grinning as we walk back to the car. I can feel he cool metal of the ring pressing between our joined hands.  
  
One of the old ladies we passed before beams at us both and wipes at her eyes.  
  
___  
  
We’re barely through the door before I rush to the bathroom. I brush my teeth. Again. Again. I yank a brush through my hair then stare apprehensively at the _Victoria’s Secret_ bag that Liliver gave me a couple days after our conversation on 90s night.  
  
This really is some _Twilight_ level shit.  
  


Gulping down any apprehension, I pull the royal blue lace onto myself. Looking into the mirror, I almost take it back off again.   
  
No. No, this is my fiancé and I _will not_ be embarrassed in front of him.  
  
With one last hefty exhale, I opened the door and stepped out.  
  
I watched, with an intense amount of pleasure, his eyes flare and his pupils dilate.  
  
He was off the bed in one swift movement, hands roaming my thighs, the lace covered expanse of my stomach.  
  
“You’re beautiful.” He mutters before kissing my so fiercely I’m pushed into the wall. His hands, smooth and uncaloused, grip the bottom of my thighs and lift me up so we’re the same height.  
  
I warp my legs around his middle and lock my ankles together.  
  
He groans against my lips and the noise makes me so ecstatic all I want is to elicit more from him.   
  
I pull away from him, only to pull his top over his head before resuming the kissing, this time attacking the base of his neck. Intentionally, I suck a few hickeys to match the ones he gave me earlier.  
  
He lifts his hands from my thighs now that I’m solidly wedged against the wall and his body. They trail aggravatingly slowly up to trace smooth circled at the top of my breast.  
  
“Don’t be a tease.” I say into his neck.  
  
He lets out a sound that might have been a laugh but sounded more like a moan.  
  
He cups both my breasts in his hands, letting the nearly imperceptible rake of his fingernails caress the lace covering them. I groan and curve into him, his hard member pressing into my core.  
  
“Fuck, Jude.” He swears.  
  
He lifts me by my thighs again and all but throws me down on the mattress. I yelp a little as I bounce, but he’ already there, pinning me in place with one of his hands wrapped around both my wrists.   
  
I squirm a little underneath his grip and he gives me a smirk that would ordinarily make me want to punch him – but this time it just goes straights the pool heating at my core.   
  
With the whisper of a touch, he drags his fingers over the soaking lace covering me. I whimper and grind my hips against his fingers, desperate for any kind of friction.  
  
He tugs the lingerie gently to the side and, with all the care in the world, inserts one finger into me.  
  
The noise that comes out my mouth isn’t entirely human, but he likes it. He keeps his eyes on mine as he works it in and out, then adds a second.  
  
“Fuck, Cardan, shit, fuck.”   
  
His eyes don’t derive from mine as he takes his sweet, sweet time working his fingers inside me. Occasionally, he drags his fingers down my walls, eliciting breathy moans from me that I’m helpless to make.  
  
“Cardan please.” I whine, shoving myself as far as I can down on his fingers.  
  
“Please what?” he purrs, enjoying torturing me way too much.  
  
“Please just fuck me.” I say breathily.  
  
His eyes flare with lust. Keeping my hands pinned above my head, he kicks of his pants, tears open a condom and rolls it on.   
  
My belly constricts as he hovers above me on all fours, so close that I can feel wisps of his hair on my forehead.  
  
I part my legs for him and I feel his head poke at my entrance. If possible, the heat at my core flares even more.  
  
“Are you sure?” He asks.  
  
“Absolutely.” I tell him.  
  
When he first pushes in, it hurts. I blink tears out of my eyes and nod at him to keep going.  
  
As I get used to it, he draws moans of pleasure out. I let my eyes roll back when he presses his full length into me,  
  
“You alright?”  
  
I’m too far gone for words, so I just nod.  
  
Slowly, he thrusts in and out of me again and I whimper underneath him.  
  
He swears my name and moves faster and faster.  
  


“Shit, Jude I’m about to-“  
  
I just nod, feeling my own climax coming. My thighs are trembling when it comes, and I feel my walls clenching around him as waves of pure ecstasy roll off both us and crash around us.  
  
We sit there, sticky and sweaty. I feel like I’m high.  
  
Finally, he says “What a way to christen the apartment.”


	24. Cardan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a small reflection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the last chapter of You'll be Seeing Me In Your Dreams!!!!!!! I don't have any more ideas for this story apart from the wedding, so I'm going to do two separate, smaller stories as spin offs when I get time. 
> 
> one) the wedding and the reception (possibly the hen and stag parties but not likely)
> 
> two) honeymoon as inspired by this one pynch fic i can't remember the name of
> 
> I think my next long fic is going to be some sort of heroes au? (the tv show) but i don't know which fandom though, probably this one

**-timeskip of 4 months (June)-  
  
** “Schools out, and we never have to go back again.” Liliver sighs, settling against our couch contentedly.   
  
“You still have college.” Van reminds her.  
  
She waves off the comment. “That’s not the point.”  
  
She eyes Jude and me suspiciously. “What are you two doing now then.”  
  
I shrug. “I inherit my father’s company as soon as I turn nineteen which is in...” I check the date on my phone. “roughly four months.”  
  
“Are you going to tell us what the exact date is, or are you going to leave us hanging?” Van prompts.  
  
“It’s Halloween.”  
  
“Nice. We can do a rollover spooky birthday party. I’ll help decorate.” Taryn says.  
  
“Thats very presumptuous of you, Taryn. Who said you were invited?” Jude says coldly. I don’t know exactly what has happened between Jude and Taryn, but something’s tense, and I’m not going to be the one to find out why.  
  
Liliver laughs nervously. “What about you, Jude?”   
  
“Fencing instructor.” She pulls a face. “No, that’s what Madoc was. I’ll probably be a bodyguard of some sort.”  
  
“You can be my bodyguard.” I tell her.  
  
Her eyes lock on mine. “Please, I’m practically your bodyguard now. You can’t even open a bottle without nearly dying.”  
  
I put a hand to my chest in mock offense. “Oh, how your harsh insults wound me.”  
  
She shoves into me with her shoulder and I laugh.  
  
“Oh, and I forgot to mention.” Jude says, pulling her left hand from where she’s inconspicuously kept it hidden in her hoodie pocket. “we’ll be getting married in August.”  
  
There’s one, very long beat of silence, full of shocked face. Then-  
  
“Since when?” Liliver demands, grabbing hold of Jude’s finger.  
  
“February.”  
  
“You’ve been engaged for four months and you didn’t tell me?”

  
“Well, it wasn’t exactly your concern.”  
  
Liliver lets Jude’s hand drop. “I suppose so.”  
  
Taryn is looking at Jude with an emotion I can’t quite comprehend – something between jealousy and grudging admiration.  
  
I admire the way the gold of the ring briefly glints against her finger.  
  
“You two won’t even be able to drink at your wedding.” Garrett says.  
  
“We won’t be able to _legally_ drink at the wedding. I’ve never been scared to break the law.”  
  
“Fuck the law.” Garrett grins.  
  
“Yeah, fuck the law.” Jude says, grinning back. “Speaking of which, anyone want a drink?”  
  
There’s a general cheer of agreement, so Jude gets up and heads to the kitchen.  
  
The chatter dissolves into groups. Van leans over to me.  
  
“Listen, congrats man.” he says. “I didn’t think you’d be able to keep a secret.”  
  
I narrow my eyes. “I’m very good at keeping secrets, thank you very much.”  
  
His eyes twinkle but he doesn’t say much. He has let his hair grow out so it’s more root than green.  
  
Jude returns and passes out bottles of beer. She passes me mine. I study the label for a second.  
  
“When did you even get these?” I ask her.   
  
“A lady never tells her secrets.” She says, knocking the top off her drink and taking a swig. She does the same for mine, taking the little metal cap off with one hand. Christ, she’s so strong.  
  
“You got a fake ID or something?”  
  
“You caught me.”  
  
“Fuck the law. If they can drink in England we can drink here.” I say and take a drink, letting the bitterness sweep over my tongue.  
  
“Here here.” Liliver says, inclining her bottle at me as though toasting.  
  
“Here here.” Repeats everyone else, following her motion.  
  
“Oh, shit, before we’re all too wasted...” Jude says, sliding open a drawer and extracting a bundle of letters. “Save the dates.”  
  
She gives one to Liliver and Van – confirmed soul mates usually get things addressed together, like married people – then on to Garrett. She pauses before handing Taryn hers. I watch the brief hurt flash across Taryn’s face.  
  
“You tell Madoc and Oriana anything about this, and I’ll murder you in your sleep, got it?” Jude says, eyes locked on her twins. I don’t think anyone is breathing. I know I’m not.  
  
Taryn nods, taking the envelope and placing it in her hand bag.   
  
“It’s only a small gathering, friends and the family we like. Vivi and Heather are invited, as well as Rhyia, Elowyn and Caelia Greenbriar. Bring Oak if you can.” That last comment is directed at Taryn, who just nods in acknowledgement.   
  
“Anyway,” I say, wanting to break the tension. “Who wants music?”  
  
The whole room seems to exhale a sigh of relief, so I pick up the TV remote and direct it to the Spotify app  
  
There’s a bit of a debate as I scroll through playlists until we finally settle on a playlist of absolutely horrible 00s songs that remind me of when I was young. Still a giant dick, but younger.  
  
I’ll be honest, in this moment, I’m blissfully happy. I’m surrounded by friends, genuine friends, not ones who use me as a way to be cruel and important. I’m engaged to Jude, who I’ve been pining after since I knew what love was.

**Author's Note:**

> this wasn't supposed to be this long  
> I got carried away  
> anyway hope you enjoyed because i am HERE for this  
> i'll try and get new chapters up when I can ok ily


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